A Writer's Progress

Plot Revisions

2010-08-11T13:17:00.003-04:00

The other day at work I opened a blank document and started questioning my own plot. First, I wrote down who--and what--needed to go into Praylanne (the local township) to advance the plot. Then, I looked at the plans and motivations from every characters' point of view and really began challenging myself. Slowly, a more feasible plot line emerged and I wrote it down--partly on a notepad in the car while driving home for lunch.

I fleshed out the idea and sent it on to my four critique group members. They all liked it except for the one idea which seemed random to them and added an unnecessary villain, when we already have a few good villains to start with. Besides that one catch, the plot revisions were well received and this really psyches me up for a good rewrite. Now, I just have to find the time to sit down and give myself the quiet, unrushed environment I need to produce!

Jumping Through Hoops

2010-08-09T13:35:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, it is just too easy to look at your book and be blind to the holes in the plot. For instance, I wanted to get my main character, Riaone, into the Praylanne township with certain companions and I jumped through too many complicated hoops to get her there. When I finally sat before my critique group, someone asked the simple question, "I wondered why she just didn't get her mom to take her dress shopping or something [to get Riaone into Praylanne]." Good question! Especially working with so many points of view (I am currently using five), I am going to overlook some things like, "What is So-and-so's motivation?" "Why would he allow such-and-such to happen?" "What did she mean by this line?" and, one that gave me the biggest surprise, "There is a lot of sexual tension between X and Y! I want to see them get together!" What?

The most important thing is to remain flexible. No, wait--the most important thing is to write, even if I am writing text that I will eventually cut or move. The second most important thing is to remain flexible. As long as I am nurturing the creative flow, I can use my output to make realizations about what isn't working, or submit it to the group so that they can tell me what isn't working.

I am lucky right now in that, despite all the tumultuous events that have been happening in my life recently, I have gotten over that recent stretch of not writing and am currently writing a lot, being self-aware enough to revisit key plot points, and making time for some good honest thought processes to occur. The best part is that I have a great critique group that I appreciate more and more. Even when I am blind to the obvious, the group is there to not only point that out to me so that I can get my book back on track, but also to praise what sounds good so that I can keep that up.

I have taken the critique of my sixth submission and had a great breakthrough this afternoon that I think will bring the right characters together and give some others some great development. I am laying some pretty good groundwork for future events. I'm at 48,000+ words now, and I see where the book might end. Wish me luck.

To Bolster a Spirit

2010-06-25T08:42:00.007-04:00

The group met last night, and I contributed more during this meeting, I felt, than the last. There was only one submission, and I read the submission twice and defended my comments well. I feel okay about that meeting. I must still read my Gardner book.

One member of the group is a published author and a book doctor. I really wish I could sit her down and talk with her about the fiction publishing world and what makes a successful book doctor, but I hesitate. I don't want to give any ground and lose credibility in the group. I am a book editor, but my company is a historical vanity publisher with a specific niche market and my publishing world is nothing like the publishing world I will need to know before I start "shopping" my book to agents.

I profess to want to teach college English, but wouldn't it be so cool to be a fiction editor? By all accounts, I would probably have to take an entry level position, and it would take a lot of time to learn the industry and find my footing. Looking at the promotions listed on Publisher's Weekly, it does take several years, and I'm sure that's for a reason. Unfortunately, most fiction editors are also based in urban New York.

I really want meeting with the group to continue to be a positive experience, not a stressful one. I think it would help to submit next time. I LOVE love love getting feedback and even relish when major changes are proposed. Anything to bring my writing to its full potential. Just talking about it with people gets the creative juices flowing and feeds my motivation. Currently I am revising from the start, and I am going to force myself to wrap that up and getting writing enough for a submission. That will bolster my writer's spirit!

A June Update

2010-06-23T12:04:00.004-04:00

After our last writer's group meeting, I cast about for reading recommendations and was advised to read two different books to bone up on my critiquing skills: John Gardner's The Art of Fiction and Lajos Egri's The Art of Dramatic Writing to start with. I already own them both, holdovers from undergrad, so that works in my favor. I started on Gardner the second week of this month, and I am approaching tomorrow night's critique with a much more critical eye, hoping to give our submitting author something much more valuable in this period's critique than our last.

My work on my own book has taken the form of many new blossoming ideas, which I make sure I take notes on, and revision of my past pages to fit the new turns the book will take. Therefore, I won't have any new work I care to submit this week. (I could submit revised sections, but I don't think it is necessary.) At least I am making some progress, though. Riaone's character is especially benefiting from closer attention to showcasing her motivations and personality.

I am up to just under 45,000 words, because I found the need to pare as I go. I could be writing more, but at the moment I am glad to be making any progress at all!

Becoming a Better Critic

2010-06-04T11:08:00.004-04:00

Perhaps this has happened to you: All around you, critique group members shuffle their papers and shift their gazes. Who will go first? You clear your throat and begin your critique. You smile and point to lines you liked, praise the pace of the submission, basically tell the author how well she's done and how you can't wait to see what comes next. Then, out of the silence, the second critic speaks. "I wish I had something positive to say," she confesses, and the table launches into an honest, helpful, but critical evaluation of the piece. You begin to realize how much better the submission could have been, and where exactly it was lacking and how. You feel like you deserve a big fat F.

Last night, I read a submission I really liked and was actually the last person to speak about it. I had written so many positive things about the piece but critic after critic brought up problem areas that hadn't even occurred to me. I had a positive reaction to the second submission too; again, there was the general reaction that something was lacking in the overall plot. I admitted that I felt like I had a lot to learn, and came home feeling like crap. I hadn't submitted anything, I haven't been writing very much, and now my readings are not picking up on things that I should be catching.

I am going to look for some books on how to be a good critique artist. Really, I had fancied myself to be an efficient and perceptive reader, but clearly I need some help. Any suggestions out there for books on critiquing fiction?

A New Turn in Writing

2010-05-24T10:43:00.003-04:00

This past Thursday, I had another writer's group meeting. I was not altogether impressed with my own submission, but I knew that submitting it would spark some great commentary and advice for revising, and it did. What I didn't expect where some questions and needful reminders about story arc and where I am going with the overall plotline. One member asked, I know what they want, and what is at stake for the characters [mostly], but what is pushing back? What is making it hard? It cannot simply be a series of events, she added. That is very true.

This book is basically divided into my characters at home base, their journey across the kingdom, what happens at their first destination, and their subsequent trip crossing the next kingdom. I have created characters who have instigated questions from the group like: Is this person going to play a large ongoing role in the story? And... I hesitated. I have two characters who play a large role in the first leg of the journey, yes, but after that? And if they aren't featured, why invest so much in them? Good points.

So Saturday, I had a friend over to write with. We ended up mostly talking out our characters and plots of our own works with each other; and that was so helpful to me. I showed her the map that I sketched out (and passed among the writer's group) and she was able to make some great suggestions. Her questions about the political atmosphere of the locations she pointed to led to some great realizations in me regarding the characters at work in that location.

I am at about 40,000 words, and still my characters haven't left their starting location. But now, I feel better about the secondary characters and their larger role not just in the first half of Book 1, and not ONLY in Book 1, but having an effect on relationships and events long after. I can't wait to see what they do with the opportunities I give them! Much thanks to Karlene!

Writing Update

2010-05-06T11:59:00.002-04:00

A section of my book was critiqued on April 23rd, and I wrote consistently for a week after that. However, as it came time to submit, I came across a really busy weekend that threw off my concentration and by the time I revisited my work and saw that it was not polished enough, it was too late and there was no time to brush it up and submit. I am mad at myself for not submitting this time, but it is certainly not a requirement of the group. The only ramification is that I will not be getting feedback this biweek, and I have thought on my own about the improvements my work needs.

Progress HAS been made toward one of my writer's goals that I established at the outset of the year. I now anticipate my story to be told in a trilogy, and I know more or less where each book will start and finish, and where most major characters will be in their lives (all turning points).

I also have been keeping up with my outline. My outline sums up each section (blocks within each section break in the narrative) with two or three sentences about WHAT the section is about and WHY I am writing it. Well, after updating the outline, I decided to do something new: I wrote in whose point of view (POV) it was written in.

The new "POV feature" is very helpful. At this point in the story, I have my major protagonist, Riaone, but also three very important sub-characters with sections in their POVs (Garel, Tsa Sial, Jaim) and another, Amanda, who plays a large role in their current setting but may not continue to be so important. By keeping this feature, I realize when I haven't written in Riaone's POV for too long, etc. I am able to step back and see who needs "a turn speaking."

Secondly, by keeping these section mini-summaries, I realize plot lines I may have let simmer too long. For instance, I realized that a major villain made a very serious threat against Amanda, but now I have gone far too many sections without returning to that tension. Knowing that, I was able to think on the best way to let it reemerge, and now I can go back and slide in that scene before I get so far that major revisions are necessary.

I encourage all writers to keep a similar document. It is difficult to write a large piece of work and still be able to keep track of details and your timeline of events, all in your head; especially when working with multiple points of view.

A Trilogy in the Making

2010-04-28T10:33:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted in a while, but I have been very busy. I am at the very threshold of 35,000 words in the my novel, and I work on it quite consistently. Sometimes I write a few paragraphs only to a hit wall, and I erase them and start over, but it's always for the best. It's easier when I know exactly where my book is headed.

One of the goals I posted for myself and my writing weeks and weeks ago was to decide whether my story could fit in one book, or whether I would need a sequel or even trilogy. I am leaning toward trilogy.

Book 1: Riaone from the start (at her home, Stillwater) and her journey with Tsa Sial, Jaim, and Garel all the way to the Academy in the kingdom of Chare. After a year or thereabouts at the Academy, Riaone is confirmed as a Legate and is told she must train in Higa. End of Book 1.

Book 2: Riaone commences studies in Higa and Tsa Sial, Jaim, and Garel continue their individual exploits, which were just beginning in Book 1, in this book. Book 2 follows their separate narratives and ends when these four, along with the other two Legates, meet up in the end and the Legates must fulfill their destinies. End of Book 2.

Book 3: I don't want to give it away, but Book 3 is not about Riaone. None of my books are written in first person, but the first two books do focus on Riaone as the top main protagonist. Book 3 is written from a different top main protagonist, but one who has been nevertheless featured a lot on Books 1 (a little) and 2 (much more). It ends by changing the way the world works forever.

I imagine my story unfolding in 3 books because I just feel like I am writing so much; but my characters need an appropriate time for development, and I think that appropriate time is 3 books. I don't care how long they get, but I don't want it to go over 3 books. I am no Robert Jordan, with his ten-plus novels. Three books is good... then I would like to write contemporary fiction.

Right now, I am preparing my application to teach a fall course in a local community college. There are still no requests for tutoring from the medical school, and yet another lead of someone interested in hiring a freelance editor fizzled out. Again. However, my husband has been told he has a job offer in the mail so I don't feel as much pressure to seek out more income. Anyway, overtime is picking up at my full-time editing job so I am safe, there.

The best part of my week will be this Saturday, May 1. We may be adopting another dog!

MoneyMoneyMoneyMoney

2010-03-31T15:05:00.003-04:00

Money, that is what it's all about! Money is what makes the world go 'round! Not love and romance, not reaching down to lift up the less fortunate, not raising responsible offspring to inherit the earth. Do I believe this? No, but money sure helps.

My husband despises his new job and, at the moment, I am winning more bread than he. He knew such would be the case when he took this new job. He is making, oh, 4-5k less than he was at his old job. With this new responsibility comes increased pressure on us to increase our dual income.

I have many marketable talents and a vision for my future that I have set before me for a long time. It is time to put my brain to work again:

Problem: I have been fearing teaching, but have always considered it a next step for me. Solution: Conquer my fears by getting out there and applying to teach a night class in the fall. E-mail contacts for recommendation letters, fill out the application, write a cover letter, request transcripts, and print and collate the thesis (?).
Problem: I am still employed as a tutor at the medical college, but they HARDLY ever call me. Solution: E-mail my boss and encourage him and the other professors to mention me weekly. Perhaps mail or drop off a bundle of my business cards to him.
Problem: I had a very profitable freelance editing gig with the urban literature author, but haven't secured any freelance work since then. Solution: Create a website and get in touch with all my contacts and let them know about it and tell them to spread the word.

These are a few ways that I can see of contributing to my household. In the meantime, my husband will have to come up with a game plan of his own for increasing our household income. I want the things I do professionally to further my experience in my particular skill set.

I am kind of excited about the prospect of teaching a course. I have 5 people in mind to ask to write me a recommendation letter, and I have my thesis to recommend me as well, but I don't want to go overboard; I don't want to teach as a full time job at this point in my life. I am very happy with the full time job I have now. But I have wanted to try teaching. I had a great dinner catching up with a friend of mine who has been teaching freshman composition and got really motivated. I just have to hurry and apply, since this is the time of year to get fall employment. We shall see!

Sunday, Arriving in Belize

2010-03-05T10:11:00.003-05:00

2:43, Jan. 24, 2010, Sunday,

I am finally here! I am sitting on a hard bench in the hold of Philip S. Goldson International Airport. I’ve actually been sitting here since 1:20. It’s hot outside, but it’s nice in here, and since I’ve got another half hour or so of waiting for the rest of the group’s American Airlines flight, I am writing—by hand!

I awoke at 4 am and Jon took me to the Norfolk Airport. I got teary when we parted. However, I do have some photos of him and my little album of the pets. I have looked through it once already. Before I got through security, I was patted down, but that’s all. I got through okay and found my gate. My mind wanted coffee, but my body didn’t want anything for nerves. The plane took off pretty much on time. A kind, but bland and boring man sat next to me and slept most of the time. I peeked at his boarding pass; his name was Kenneth.

The plane took off 15 minutes late, so our 6:15 flight turned into a 7:13 am one on account of rainy weather and low visibility in Atlanta. They even re-routed the flight pattern. As a result, I didn’t get off the plane in GA until about 9:30 am to connect with my 10:05 flight to Belize! After hearing so much about the Atlanta Airport’s size, I was very worried. Luckily, right after I got off, I was directed to a staircase and boarded a tram before its doors closed. It only took 3 quick stops to get to my concourse; from B to E. Too bad my gate was 32 and when I found the correct wing of the concourse, it started at 26. I’d already been running here and there, but at that point I kept up a good determined trot and made it into the last of the trailing line! Too bad that once on the plane, the captain let us know that the weather was doing too poorly for take-off. I dozed off, and when the plane got moving again, it was only to get in line behind 6 or 7 other aircraft.

On the flights, I read a lot. I finished a book on how to write my novel in a year, and I started my second Karen Miller book. I ate some cashews and Chex Mix my mom bought me and some granola bars and fruit snacks from home. I got Sprite on the flight.

At last, the second plane took off. Both flights were only 2 hours, but they seemed to take forever. When I saw land after passing the Gulf of Mexico, I wasn’t sure if it was perhaps part of Mexico, but the land was beautiful; especially when we flew lower over what I assume was Belize. It was very odd to fly alone, though.

When I got off the plane, it was pretty hot outside. Many employees of the airport were standing, sitting, even lying around! I showed my passport and got it stamped. After I got my bag, I knew I should wait before customs as Diann told me, but the customs officials made me go through. I was nervous but I got through okay. They peeked into my large bag but of course nothing made them suspicious there, thank God.

It is now 3:10, so I expect the group to appear at any moment!

Monday, our First Day

2010-03-05T10:10:00.002-05:00

9:57, Jan. 25, 2010, Monday,

“Blessed are the flexible, for they will not be bent out of shape.” “Semper Gumby.” – These are two of Miss Francis’s favorite sayings. Miss Francis, co-founder of Holy Cross Anglican Primary School, has shown us a world completely different than ours, but always has the right words to tie us to it spiritually, so closely.

Saturday night was hard. Once the group loaded onto the bus, we went down to the coast to board a ferry. I got my first Belizean money ($2 USD = $4 Belize) which, believe it or not (sometimes we/they combine it) was confusing and got into the boat. I had pictured a slow, calm ride—it was instead like a giant speedboat. The nose was high in the air and the butt low in the crashing whitewater. [At one point, Walt got out but the stop was Caye Caulker, not Ambergris Caye, and a ferryman had to call us back in. I got teased!] It was fun for about an hour, but then my headache grew and I started to feel nauseous. By the time the 90-minute ride was over, I was hurting so bad. We were so slow getting to The Tides that I fell right asleep after medicine and missed the group dinner.

In the morning though, I felt 100% better. I slept VERY well, even though the mattresses are thin and hard and the pillow fat and hard. I walked around outside and took some pictures, showered, and joined the group for breakfast on the pier. We got coffee and sat at a long table, and Miss Francis talked while the meal was set for us. We learned about her past and how she came to be in Belize as the co-founder, with her husband Vernon, of a school.

They had lived in Williamsburg, VA before being sent on missions by the Episcopal Church. They were working with churches in Belize City and relaxing in San Pedro [on Ambergris Caye] on occasion when they noticed many school-age children on the streets and beaches, and not in school. [This led to their discovery of San Mateo, and when they offered to help the community, they asked for a school over land development.] Once they decided to build a school, they faced and are still facing resistance from the government. The government had handed out free plots of swampland to the poor to curry votes—and lost the vote. The poor laborers there, there to build the wealthy resorts, were now owners of land without sanitation, water, or electricity that had to be quickly developed [in two years, or they lose the land]. They have been living in wet, utter poverty among puddles and garbage since. The children couldn’t go to expensive parochial schools—until Holy Cross came right to San Mateo with education, medical, and food.

We walked to the school after the talk. We went down the beach and over a bridge to get there in 10 minutes. That bridge separates the resort/tourist area (which has its pockets of ruin) from the poverty and school. Despite the dirt, the kids and their white and grey uniforms looked so clean, and happy.

There was a tour with Principal Grace. We went into each classroom of [mostly] brown and black smiling faces. Most look Mexican from Mayan descent, or are black descendants of slaves [slavery goes back to when Belize was the British Honduras, and slaves and then freedmen were used to cut mahogany in the timber industry]. There was one blonde white girl, and some Asians, but many looked of mixed heritage. One little boy really smiled at me and when Grace said some of us may be visiting their classroom again, he thrust his finger out and said “I want she!” For the next few classes, Grace asked who they wanted to see and everyone pointed to me! It was cute, but I was ready to work.

First, I tutored two boys, Darwhyn and Kevin. They were so adorable—but I had to tutor them in math, which is unthinkable. I think I did pretty good, though. They were learning addition, and although they were the same age, Kevin could do the math in his head but Darwhyn was having a hard time. I did what I could—I drew chickens and cows, and drew dice with little dots [to help him visualize and not rely on his fingers]. It was still hard for him, especially with Kevin finishing quickly and wanting attention.

After that experience, we walked about and I wandered into the cafeteria [where kids were gathering for lunch]. A little Mayan-looking girl, skinny with a black braid and dark skin, was sitting on the bench facing outward, crying into a Spongebob washcloth. I sat with her with my arm around her, but she wouldn’t talk. [A teacher then told me that some girls had been calling her names.] Soon, she left for class.

We broke for salad, spaghetti, and Tang and bread.

Lunch was followed by more tutoring. I was so surprised when the little girl who had been crying came around the corner with the group. I grabbed her to teach right away. I had her for reading and writing, and she wrote her beautiful name: Meredith Bernice Escalante. After a while, she asked me if I was the one who sat with her in the kitchen, and I said yes. We read a story together and I had her write some sentences. I drew a unicorn, and asked her the parts of the horse and she wrote them down. Then, I asked her favorite animals and I drew them and she named them: Jada the Starfish, Jose the Jellyfish, and Rose the Shark. She wrote a few sentences about them. I was happy I’d gotten her to write a little story.

I also learned more about her. She moved to San Mateo from Orange Walk, Belize, and her mom has 6 children. Her dad died when he was hit by a bus driven by a man on his cell phone. Sometimes, when she’s sad, she looks at his photo. She has another dad, the father of one of her sisters, but he is bad. When the bills come, she says, he says he has no money and her mom has to send some to him [so I guess they live apart]. I hope her sister is treated okay.

Talking about that photo of her dad made me want to show her the card I have of my gramma. I shared it with her and read the poem to her. She asked to see it again 4 or so more times as we sat together. One time, she considered my gramma’s picture and said, “I’ve seen that lady in Belize City.” I showed her the year of gramma’s death, 2008, but she said again that she’d seen her. I took it as sort of a sign, and was looking off in thought when Meredith put her hand right over my heart; just laid it on my chest. She told me, “Your gramma, she is up in Heaven, but she will always be with you in your heart.” I wonder now if her mom told her that about her dad, and she decided to share it with me. Then, however, all I could do was hug her close and thank her. That was the best part of this trip so far.

The last part of our day was a walk through San Mateo. My pictures tell its tale better than I ever could. Just behind the school, there it is, San Pedro’s poorest community, shunned by the government and stewing in its immovable waste. Very sad. Just a cluster of shacks—most on stilts—in mud, swamp, and trash, but with all the requisite signs of everyday family life: a man painting a porch rail, a girl with a baby, kids on bicycles, and everywhere (as always) skinny, bony, unfriendly dogs [Terry remarked later that the scars most children have come from encounters with dogs]. I love those dogs—I see Baker’s eyes in all of their wild faces [some dogs were actually friendly].

We walked home deep in thought after seeing San Mateo. Those kids.

Back at The Tides, I had two Belikins (a Belizean beer) and swam a bit and then we had devotional time led by Roger with Bible readings and discussion. We went into San Pedro on foot to eat at Warumba’s, where I shared a shrimp burrito with Walt, and to D. and E. Ice Cream, where I got a mint chip cone. Now, I am back at the room, ready to sleep and see what tomorrow brings. I hope it’s Meredith!

Tuesday, Tutoring and Octupi

2010-03-05T10:09:00.002-05:00

11:25, January 26, 2010

I had another deep, even night’s sleep. Tanisha sleeps sound as a corpse, so I can barely tell she’s there. We had breakfast again, but this time without Francis and Vern. I saw Francis this morning at Holy Cross, but tomorrow they leave for a month to attend medical needs.

At Holy Cross, I tutored a sweet little boy Joshua in the morning in writing. Poor little boy had a runny nose and congested cough, so I gave him a Cottonelle wipe. He was tracing letters like th [they are dotted lines, and have dots where the pencil is supposed to begin the lines] and small words, but it was hard for him. I learned he liked baseball and asked him to think of the dots as bases to run down the dotted line, and that put him on track. As a reward, I drew him as a baseball player, with his black cowlick sticking up in front. I was rewarded with a smile.

The rest of the morning, on and off throughout the day, I worked color-coding books in the library, which was bigger than I’d imagined. However, every minute I spent there I felt like I was missing valuable time with the children [but at least the library had A/C!].

So I went out in search of tutoring and found Liz with three boys [Gabriel, Luis, and Izziahs]. One was very smart at math, so Liz took Gabriel and had me practice the multiplication table with Luis and the younger 12-year-old Izziahs. They were so funny that even I was laughing and Liz had to give me a look. A little girl would walk by and one boy would call out that the other liked her and laugh. When an older woman walked by, they almost called out to her too, and that was funnier. The funniest was when a little wizened old brown man walked by and Luis called him over. The joke was supposed to be, “Izziahs likes you!” but they—we—were laughing too hard to speak! [The old man looked so confused!] Luis won the multiplication contest.

I didn’t get to tutor more after that. We had fish, salad, and rice and banana bread with Kool-Aid for lunch and I taped the spines of a few more books when Liz asked if I would like to paint. They had a whole stack of skinny wooden posts [skinned tree trunks] about 10 feet high that we had to whitewash. Another developer was encroaching on Holy Cross land that is still underwater, and these posts will be stuck around the underwater border to protect our rights to the property.

The best part of the school-day was seeing Meredith again when school let out. I gave her a postcard I bought in San Pedro of an aerial of her hometown, Orange Walk. She thanked me with a hug and shared her red-hot “Takis” with me, a Spanish-packaged hot chip (yuck). She is such a love. She introduced me to her friend, Jaime, a lighter-skinned Mexican-looking girl with soft curls and a Gameboy. Her older sister is Estrella, the young pregnant librarian, who later came to sit with us.

It didn’t take long for Estrella to tell her story. She is 20 [or maybe the ex-boyfriend is 20; Tanisha says Estrella is 17], but her not-much older boyfriend (father of the baby) left her for a 48-year-old woman with whom he had another child in an on-and-off relationship [prior to his relationship with Estrella]. Estrella had been calling him without a reply for days when relatives spotted him in a car with this other woman, holding their baby. [She said he’d told her he was on the mainland on business, but come to find out he was on Ambergris Caye the whole time.] Estrella was so upset when she found this out. They broke up, and she now lives with her mom and siblings, Jaime among them. She is due to give birth to a boy in April. She is a responsible mom, paying $50 Belize each month for prenatal visits. This expense is a burden, and I’m sure it will be much harder when the baby comes. This is her first child, and she’s nervous.

We said bye and Meredith gave me a big kiss on the cheek. I love her. We came back to The Tides to swim and have the devotional before dinner; we tried a little synchronized swimming, too! Diann actually has done water ballet!

Our connection with the Holy Cross students didn’t end at school. For the second night, Alexis (a boy) came to see us at the inn. We went into the surf to find 2 conch shells I’d hidden that morning [behind a grassy bank underwater near the pier]. We found 1, and several for Terry [Alex was her special little friend]. We handed one to Mike Nickelsburg [on the patio] and a TINY OCTOPUS came WRIGGLING out! [Mike had just calmly said, “Oh look, an octopus” and we all leaned forward and it came running out of the shell!] We (the women) shrieked and it fell on the deck. Alex picked it up and we got it into a cup. It got cloudy with ink. We let it go back into the ocean.

While Alex was with us (he brought back our conch shells polished and I gave him a few bucks), he was joined by Lionel, another Holy Cross boy. They offered us jewelry to buy (like always) but was still around to walk Walt and I and Tanisha late to dinner at Caliente’s way up the beach. The whole lot of us (minus Mike Emry, plus Michael, a Holy Cross graduate being sponsored by Roger’s Cursillo group to attend HS) went and invited Lionel up. He has wonderful stories. He told us about the chicken drop we are going to see at Caliente’s tomorrow.

The walk home took us by some jewelry tables, and I bought a goldfish necklace from Harrison from Holy Cross and a necklace from a baby named Francis! [He was a little infant in his father’s lap, holding out necklace and after necklace for me and saying “Buy, buy!”] That necklace is for mom. I have to save money to buy from Alex and Lionel later.

I spent some time by the water talking with Walt and Mike [E.] and was asked to consider joining choir at our church, Emmanuel. I will think about it. For now, I am only concentrating on tomorrow.

Wednesday, our Half-Day

2010-03-05T10:08:00.001-05:00

4:30 pm, Jan. 28, 2010,

I didn’t write last night, and now I regret it. I have, again, so much to tell about. Tanisha and I were just talking about how we were dreading having to leave just when we’re beginning to feel at home here. We daydreamed about bringing her boyfriend Marco and [my husband] Jon over and becoming teachers at Holy Cross. Yesterday morning we ate salsa scrambled eggs for breakfast and I walked up to Holy Cross with Mike E. Lately, the group trickles down the street in bunches or pairs.

I tutored Gloriel. He’s a little boy who Terry thinks has dyslexia. In fact, after hearing that, the boy’s father asked to meet Terry to talk about treatment. We worked on letter recognition and penmanship, and although it was slow going, Terry said he has much improved from the previous day.

Then, I found Meredith again. She wrote a story, “Angel and Cabesa Grande,” about an iguana and a snake, for Terry per her request. It was a LOT of work and it was totally worth it; I hope it inspires her to continue writing. A later-realized blessing was that we could not find Terry right away, and in looking for her, Meredith read her story aloud to 4 different audiences. This is great for her public speaking skills. Being with her took the rest of the school day, because we left right after lunch to go on our snorkeling trip.

It cost $35 US to go out on this snorkeling tour with Rafael, Sayed, and Mario. I wore a “shorty” (short-sleeved, to-the-knee wetsuit), flippers, and a snorkeling mask in blue. We all, dressed somewhat alike, rode out to a sport where other snorkeling groups were and were led down the [underwater] path and side of a reef. We saw a tunnel [Rafael swam through it], a moray eel [it chased me], damsel fish, parrot fish of all sizes, stingrays and nurse sharks [I pet both], a starfish, puffer fish, and other that I don’t know the names for. After a long tour [at Hol Chan] we went back in the boat and went to Shark [and Ray] Alley, where we dropped anchor and swam around the boat while the boatmen threw in chum to attract the sharks. The trip was amazing.

Reflection

2010-03-05T10:07:00.004-05:00

12:18, February 3, 2010,

My bugbites are disappearing, my sunburn is flaking away, my bruises are fading, and my toe blister caused by my flipper while snorkeling Mexico Rocks is losing its sting in the shower. Still, my heart squeezes when I think about Belize. People think I miss the warm weather (we came home to 7–12” of snow), but it’s truly not. It’s my kids: Meredith, Ralston, and the others. The friendships, both Belizean and Emmanuel. The devotion hour and the soccer game. It just felt so much like home.

Sometimes we went out to touristy events and saw other foreigners, but I didn’t feel like one of them at all. I felt so much more in tune with Belize than these drunk, wealthy, plastic people. Let me describe this where I left off: after snorkeling, when we progressed (Walt, Tanisha, little Alex and I) to the chicken drop. [The entry stops here, apparently I was distracted. It was hard to write about Belize so soon after I got back, because it made me so sad.]

Sad Plane Thoughts

2010-03-05T10:07:00.003-05:00

3:15 pm, January 31, 2010

The remainder of the mission trip was so busy and exhausting that I haven’t kept up with writing about it; even posting about it, since the Internet has been down at The Tides. I know this upsets Jon. He sent Bill Orr a text because he was getting worried [I couldn’t use my cell phone in Belize; you can rent one at the airport and buy phone cards but I didn’t want to pay so much].

I am writing this in the plane to ATL from BZE. I will describe the rest of the trip, but first I want to talk about my feelings right now. My heart is crushed. From the poor to the not-so-poor, the Belizean people are so warm and genuine and welcoming. I never felt like a white interloper, or a tourist, or a stranger. In Belize, [on] La Isla Bonita, I felt loved and at home. I have made so many friends in the course of one week: the children Meredith, Jonathan, Lionel, Alex, Rodel, Kevin, Darwhyn, Chris, Aliya, Gisele, [Ralston,] and so many others; the adults Rafael, Mario, Sayed, Adolfo, Argennes, the staff of Holy Cross, Mr. Cruz, Omar, and more. I still can’t believe I am gone from that world, and I have cried a lot in the taxi, in the airport, and especially on the plane watching the last of this green paradise recede through the window. I will miss the dark skin, lovely language, and happy genuine smiles of the people [I know I am definitely crying at this point; the stewardess was concerned for me].

I will miss the land, too; the clear blue turquoise water, the sweeping hull of a boat, bobbing and docked on the Patojos’ pier, the palms and coconuts, the dogs everywhere, and the happy children on bicycles and on foot. Truly, the future of Belize is its children, and they have a rich and yielding field to reap if they sow the right seeds in the right places. What a promising land! [That was so arch poetic!]

Wednesday, the Chicken Drop

2010-03-05T10:06:00.001-05:00

10:34 am, February 10, 2010,

If I have procrastinated overly much in finishing my account of Belize, it is because for such a long time, remembering my time there brought on a strong sense of homesickness for Belize. I felt it was wrong to feel this way, so I asked Marguerite this past Sunday: How did YOU feel after returning from your mission trip to Africa? Her response was that she came back with the strong urge to sell off all her worldly possessions and move back there. I was somewhat relieved. My exact same feelings, then, were not unique or self-indulgent. If a deacon can feel this way, then it’s okay for me to have felt this way, too. So, with that comfort, and a more relaxed and joyful memory of the Heaven-on-Earth that is Belize, I will AGAIN continue for you.

On Wednesday night, the rain that was promised for so long fell while we were assembling for the devotional hour, so everyone tumbled inside the sitting area that was part of Susan, Terry, and Tanisha’s and my rooms [but the rain didn’t last long].

Walt, Tanisha, Alex and I walked down the beach to Caliente’s. The first chicken drop, Round 1, was just beginning, but they were taking bets for the last two drops, Rounds 5 and 6. We made our bets but the Rounds 5 and 6 would not start for more than another hour, so we went to The Reef restaurant in San Pedro, where the rest of the group was eating, and where Roger and Liz had Michael, who joined that night’s devotional hour [and continued on with the group for dinner]. As always, in Belize, it is not uncommon for you to wait over an hour to receive your food. Just as we were served, we took the food to eat on the go on our walk back to Caliente’s. Alex rode his bike.

Finally, we got an unobstructed view—most of the tourists were gone. A DJ played and sang beneath a few tents with some late-nighters in typical tourist dress [dancing]. With Alex, we didn’t feel like tourists at all. The rain was still sprinkling down but we watched the Round 5 chicken poop—we didn’t win. The woman who threw the chicken was told to “shake it to the left, shake it to the right, shake it up and down and all around, blow on its butt for good luck” and toss it in. The shaking must have bothered it a lot [because it pooped immediately]. There was much time in between rounds 5 so we sat under Walt’s poncho, all 4 of us, and Alex played with Tanisha’s hair. I convinced Alex to dance with me but he quickly got too shy.

At long last, they bring another tall basket out and a pretty blonde picks up the chicken inside. She was too afraid to blow on its butt correctly, which I believe led to this chicken’s reluctance to poop. They even threw in a rooster to rile it up a bit, but eventually it was the rooster who pooped on a winning square. Walt won third place—a free drink—and he let me have it.

While leaving the bar, two random guys followed us out, even though we were with a man and a boy. [A] black man, Kenroy, who walked with me talked about how he was planning to open a restaurant in Belize, how that his reunion here with his father wasn’t working out [he came to see him from New York]. I told him he should volunteer with Holy Cross (I mean why not use my time to recruit him?). He said that he had a cousin at Holy Cross, so I said, Oh? What’s his name? Ryan. How old is he? Kenroy hesitated and said 12. I knew Alex was 12, so I asked Alex if he knew a Ryan. No! Alex said accusingly. [That was funny.]

Meanwhile, Walt was walking behind us, and behind him was Tanisha and her suitor, G-Funny. He said that he earned that nickname because he used to laugh like HAH HAH HAH! He told Tanisha he wanted to fly Tanisha back to the island with his weed-selling money. Then, he called Walt “Pops” [and said it was a term of respect because he could learn a lot from a man Walt’s age. I teased Tanisha so hard about G-Funny for days.]

It was a very interesting night. We saw G-Funny at least 4 more times that week! [I think I took a break here from writing.]

Thursday, "Take it Easy!"

2010-03-05T10:05:00.002-05:00

On Thursday, I felt rested from the snorkeling and chicken drop the night before. We had breakfast on the pier again. I wore my goldfish necklace I bought from Harrison, and got 3 boys to tutor together in reading. They were 11, 12, and 13. The 11- and 12-year-olds were actually pretty fluent readers, but Jonathan, the oldest, was having a lot more trouble. I tried to test them on analysis and reading comprehension, hoping to interest Jonathan, but he was disinterested in that, too. Worse, when he mispronounced a word, the other would blurt it out and tease Jonathan.

Through lunch, I felt pretty low about Jonathan. I tried to paint a little and work in the library, but I was restless as well as sad. Finally, I decided to persevere and tutor again. They brought me Rodel, a little Hispanic boy, and Chris, a little black boy, probably about 8 years old.

I walked them through one whole page of a story. It was HARD for them! I taught them about short and long vowel sounds and about breaking words into syllables to sound them out. It worked but it was such slow going that I began to lose their interest. I had an idea: we took a break to play Red Light, Green Light. I promised we’d play again when we got through the last paragraph, and with that tactic we at last completed a page. [When he saw us playing a second time,] Roger laughed and said I was tutoring recess, but I was so happy because I had gotten somewhere with these boys where I couldn’t do so with Jonathan.

That day, Mr. Cruz at the school noticed our hard work and was inspired to join us that night for our devotional hour. Happy, Tanisha and I walked back to The Tides, stopping to hang out with a group of kids playing in the rafters of an oceanside pavilion. They were so giggly and joyful. Belize is so incredible.

That night, we were feeling local. After eating out so much, funds were low. Mike and Walt came with us, and Mike suggested Mamita’s for a small, cheap place [with good food]. It was nice to spend time with Tanisha, Mike, and Walt as a small group, and so close to home. We were feeling the camaraderie so well that after dinner, Tanisha and Walt and I sat at the end of the long pier and just talked; and pet a stray dog we nicknamed Muffin. We [told stories and] laughed and stayed out late—it was peaceful, until the night guard [who was making Tanisha nervous all night] snuck up so close on us and almost scared the pants off Tanisha! [That was a riot!]

We were paranoid when we crept back into the suite. I was alone in the room when I heard a man’s voice, as clear as day, say “Take it Easy.” Tanisha walked in and I asked if she heard a voice. “A man’s voice?” “Yeah,” I asked, “why aren’t you scared?” At that point, [we were really scared, and] we started laughing hysterically even though we were so scared we started checking the fridge and under the bed for ghosts. Tanisha is scared of ghosts! [And you can bet I had fun with that one!]

Friday, the Last School Day

2010-03-05T10:03:00.001-05:00

Friday was the day I really started to feel sad, as if it was coming to the end far too soon. I was taking a lot of pictures, desperately hanging onto each moment. Knowing it was our last school day (and a 1/2 day), I looked for Jonathan, the boy who needed help the day before, resolved to help him as much as I could. I got him twice that short day, before and after the T-shirt give-away. [This was an event covered by the Belize news. We gave many shirts that were left over from a fundraiser held back in VA for a boy with cancer to the Holy Cross students.] He really began to show interest and improvement!

We [the mission group] ate BBQ chicken together and I bought a few T-shirts for my dad and father-in-law. Tanisha finished [going from classroom to classroom] teaching all of the songs that the kids loved so much at the school service on Thursday and joined me. We decided to go to the boys’ soccer game that afternoon. It was going on at the DFC (near the island’s airport), so we had to take a taxi. The cabby was wanted by the police and was a crazy driver, but we got there!

[This merits more storytelling: The man, driving like a maniac and revving his engine behind pedestrians and kids on bikes, was jabbering into his phone. The car slowed as we saw some police at a checkpoint. Tanisha leans over and says, “Did you hear that? He said the police are looking for him!” At that point, he pulled into a gas station for only a few bucks in gas, and left going back the way we came. The cabby confessed to us that we had to take back roads to avoid the police, who were looking for him because he’d run over someone the other day, “But he was just a drunk guy.” “Damn police!” I agreed, and Tanisha swatted me, but I wanted to get on this guy’s good side! Suddenly, the cab stopped on a back road and the guy ran out. Here we are, grass as high as our heads all around! I started planning my escape. The cabby returned, though, and said the road was clear of police and finally, we got to the soccer field!]

We took pictures and sang songs while we waited for the boys’ game to start (we felt so independent!). Each one of those kids had to snap one of our group pictures. It made me nervous for my camera. When the boys’ game finally started, we sat up with the teachers and yelled “Go Lionel! Go Jonathan!” We felt pretty cool, for Americans. I held Ralston on my lap and Tanisha and I sang cheers for Holy Cross. The school and their opponent, RC (Roman Catholic), were 0-0 all game. They lost 0-1 in penalty shots [the shoot-out]. I was sad, but Lionel said it was “just a friendly match.” He’s such a good kid. I told him I was having trouble finding a manly necklace for my husband and he made a shark’s-tooth one just for Jon with green and black beads.

The same taxi came to the field to take us home, but we opted for another taxi, one where the cabby had his daughters with him, so we felt safer! He still drove very close to pedestrians and other vehicles; they all do.

I felt like I had the money to go out [for dinner] so I left Tanisha to go with the group to Jambel’s Jerk Pit. I missed T! I tried jerk chick for the first time and it was so SPICY. I had to rest my lips on my cool beer bottle. Ollie found it very amusing—they all did! Later, on our walk back to the golf cart [we passed through “the park” which was full of vendors, and a boy with a raccoon-like creature that tried to bite me], I saw Muffin again, the dog from the pier, and Snoopy, another dog I knew. I also saw the baby who sold me the necklace I’d bought for mom. I got a gentle teasing for being so at home that I knew the local babies and animals, and that may be when I got my first pangs of sadness and realization that the whole trip would be over far too soon.

[Back in the room,] T & I read the Bible and saw the RC on TV. [It was so bizarre, because all that week we were talking about the parable of the Mustard Seed, and here the “RC,” our soccer “enemies” from that afternoon, was reading a passage from Mark about sowing seeds that grow into a large bush big enough to house all the birds in its branches! Talk about coincidence. That made me pull out my Bible and do a little reading aloud.]

Saturday, Day of Leisure

2010-03-05T10:02:00.004-05:00

The next morning before breakfast Sayed told me that we could get the group rate again for snorkeling. That was kind of them. We spent some time on the pier [at the dive center] and rode in to the Holy Cross School with Roger and Mike E., who needed to run an errand. [The Holy Cross men needed help unloading something, so] Tanisha and I took a last walk through San Mateo and saw Britney, Lionel’s sister.

When we came back, Tanisha and I decided to take a swim in the sun in the shallow water at the end of the looong pier. I fell and bounced my butt down the slimy algae-slick stairs and we laughed so hard. We talked to a diver, to Rafael, and to a young boy who caught two fish, and to a girl from Holy Cross who came to swim with her baby brother.

Walt came and offered to take us to lunch, so we walked all through town. I got my sunburn that afternoon! [And, I insisted on not wearing shoes all day like a Belizean—although I realized I lot more Belizeans wear shoes into town than not.] We picked up some souvenirs and settled on Celie’s for lunch, a place with a sand floor and screened porch. I had a good view outside at the strip of beach.

We had eaten most of our lunch when two girls walked by [outside]. “Is that Meredith?” I gasped. “Go see!” urged Walt and Tanisha. They knew how sad I was for not finding her to say goodbye at the school yesterday. I ran outside and she turned around when I called her name, and with a big smile she rushed into my arms. I picked her up and swung her around. Thank God Tanisha was right on my heels with my camera. She took my favorite picture of the whole trip: me, holding Meredith.

Meredith left her friend and joined us in Celie’s to have a quesadilla, but then we had to go or be late for snorkeling.

The snorkeling was amazing. Rafael and Mario took us to Mexico Rocks—me, Tanisha, Diann, and Mike N.—and from there to a place where we swam 3 miles and Mario picked us up down the reef in the Sabrina. It was easier swimming with the current.

Rafael’s eye for sealife was incredible. We saw a lionfish, [he] herded an eagle ray toward us (it looked like a leopard), and he also scooped up 2 breeds of tiny, translucent shrimp for us to hold. He found a “sea egg” and showed me how to hold it upside down. He had Tanisha snorkeling like a pro! The coral and the colors were unbelievable. We were out there for 3 hours!

I was exhausted on our return, but God blessed us with a day that stretched out forever so I could enjoy Belize, no rush. A full moon rose as we had our hour of praise and reflection, and then Tanisha [and I] sat at the bar for a long time, talking to the people who came and went. Alone with Omar, the bartender, for a while, we had a deep talk about past and present relationships.

By and by, Adolfo from the Patojos’ Dive Center, “the Treasurer,” came by with [Eden] and sat with us, as well as Argennes (Ar-HEN-ess). He was buying hot sauce and a lime to mix with peanuts which makes “botana,” an appetizer for a house party he was going to. We hadn’t been introduced before, so we talked and he said that he cleans at The Tides and he and Adolfo were friends. He ended up staying and having some drinks.

Tanisha [and I got this crazy idea] to go out to a local club. [We at first had decided to go to the club Omar was going to, Club Latino, but Argennes said that was a karaoke club and we had second thoughts.] As we were discussing clubs, she [Tanisha] says Omar told Adolfo and Argennes to go watch out for us. However, it was much too early to go yet. The Jaguar wasn’t getting a crowd until 11 pm! First, we went to a bar filled with locals and Adolfo played a short guy in pool. I said I was better than them both so they let me play, but I missed as many as I sank. There were no hard feelings, and Adolfo still won $5. The Jaguar was STILL empty, so we went to The Tacklebox bar. It as also empty, but open, and had an “official” flip cup table. Only I had ever played flip cup!! So I taught them. Adolfo was on my team, and innocent Argennes was on the other side with Tanisha. I thought with Adolfo I’d win for sure, but they surprised me and won both times! Surely, we thought, the Jaguar is hopping now! It was. We danced to Lady Gaga, Black-eyed Peas, and a lot of songs I knew as well as some Reggaeton. I saw Kenroy there (from the chicken drop) and just talking to him made his girl companion very jealous! I teased Tanisha by asking her what if we saw G-Funny there. That was a riot.

Sunday, Leaving Belize

2010-03-05T10:01:00.003-05:00

The next morning I agonized about leaving. [I showered and] we packed quickly and gathered on the covered porch. Even though it was raining pretty hard, I was getting more pics in. A lovely sunrise over the Dive Center on the pier. Adolfo and Argennes, there to see us off. Argennes said the rain was God crying to see us leave. Then I began crying. Sayed ran up on the patio and waved goodbye. I left in the van-taxi, trying not to let Mike E. see me cry. I couldn’t believe that big pink inn on the ocean was now left behind.

We got out at the water taxi and had a long wait. We climbed in in the rain and crammed in under the shelter. I didn’t feel ill like I’d feared. The ride was 90 minutes, and we were back in the little store where we’d first bought tickets and I was afraid to use Belizean money (because I am so inept at math and currency). I had to laugh at myself because I’d gotten so used to it now.

We took the bus back to the airport again. It was a long ride, and it continued to rain. I was viewing Belize City differently, now. It was a dirty, poor city of slums, and I missed San Pedro Town, the real Belize, to me. [Another break in writing.]

Going through the airport took forever. I had to pay $37 USD to leave the country. Then we sat a long time at the gate, eating a café sandwich [and coffee] and buying souvenirs. I bought: coffee, a bumper sticker, 1 blue shirt [that said] “I <3 Belize”, and 2 small Belikin beer glasses. [We waited after that for a very long time.]

I got on the plane alone, and cried. The flight attendant was very sad for me and was always extra gentle with her voice when she spoke to me. I took my last aerial photos of Belize City and what I thought might be the island of Ambergris Caye [I couldn’t see the school], and it was all gone, behind me. I wasn’t even unnerved by the turbulence anymore—I was just sad.
Traveling was not so confusing [this time] but it felt much more exhausting. I didn’t land in Norfolk until 9 pm. Jon was there with a bouquet and a new goatee, and my parents were there. So, in fact, were 12 inches of snow that fell the day before [and shut down all travel to/from Norfolk Airport, so I was lucky to return home a day after]. Usually snow is exciting to me, but I hated it then and the days that followed when it snowed again, and again.

Some Final Thoughts

2010-03-05T09:56:00.003-05:00

Some final thoughts, March 4, 2010,

It really shocked me to come home and find that I could not get Belize out of my mind. I was rationing what little Belizean coffee I’d brought home, looking up rentals in San Pedro online, and dropping hints to my husband that his being between jobs would make moving there so easy. Of course it is not that easy at all. I finally was able to dial down my excitement enough that a moment of clarity came to me, and I realized: Jesus wants you to grow where you are planted. Like I said, too, my feelings were not totally unique or self-indulgent. Others have felt the same way after returning from mission trips, so I know I am not the first nor the last to feel this way. Better to mourn for a few weeks, than to feel nothing at all. Now, I rejoice in the time I spent there and I look forward to Emmanuel’s next trip there. The missionaries may be different, and the teachers and students may not be the same, but that is not what is important. The point of the trip is to sow little seeds into as many minds as possible, hoping that when we leave, something we said or did made or will make a difference for at least one person. You can’t do your best at this if you seek out the same people time and again.

If you can’t go to Belize and join the mission trip, there are so many other ways to help. You can go to the Holy Cross website and look at their wish lists and choose to donate some supplies, or you can make a monetary donation. If you want to send a lot of supplies, email Miss Francis at franciswilsonbelize [at] yahoo [dot] com to find out what exactly they need, and mail it to Pastor Tim Tam with The Word at Work ministry. They will take on the costs of mailing it on to Holy Cross.

Looking Back, and so Forth

2010-03-01T10:58:00.005-05:00

The sun is out, but the weather is far from warm. It's good reason, though, to stay inside unless I am walking Baker or taking him to the dog park. And that means I am getting a lot of work done.

I'm writing a draft of an article the Belize mission leader asked me to write, to put in an Episcopalian newspaper.
I drew up a letter and sent a list of books for my publisher to donate to the Holy Cross school in Belize, so the responsibility has been passed on.
I wrote a letter to Meredith and sent it... but it's been 9 days and no reply yet.
I am getting ready to inquire about sending donations of baby items to the pregnant librarian of the Holy Cross school.
I finished journaling about my Belize trip and will be typing it up to share here very soon.
I am doing a LOT of writing. I also sat with my friend Lisa, who knows a lot about chemistry, and talked through how to try and ground the practice of the supernatural in my book on a real-world, chemical basis.
Additionally, I asked a very talented artist friend to illustrate my four main characters for me. I think this will help inspire my writing Muses.

I would also like to share some good news with you. For the last month, my husband was between jobs. He accumulated part-time work from several sources, but it wasn't cutting it. Finally, Jon got a job as a dietary supervisor at a nearby transitional home! We are very lucky and blessed that the opportunity, which we thought was lost, resurfaced and now we can expect to return, more or less (okay, a little less), to our accustomed income. And after 6 months, we can expect a little higher income. We made it through!

Some Nagging Questions

2010-02-25T09:17:00.003-05:00

I have been doing the inadvisable; I've been wondering just when I will finish this book. How long will it take? And why am I wondering this? Because: Is writing fantasy fiction going to pigeonhole me as a writer (in which case, should I treat it like a cold pool and try to hop in and hop out as quickly as I can)? Is that the genre I will stay in? Will it get me accolades? AM I writing for accolades (well, no... but yes it would be nice)? Would I be very good at highbrow fiction? Was I ever, or is that a misremembered idea of a past self?

What an awful thing to do. Writers don't generally concern themselves with their, well, SELVES. They expel the story inside them trying to burst forth. They write about this, all the time, the feeling of being a walking vessel full of other people, worlds, stories. The only way they can find peace is to be able to tell it adequately, then they move on to the next story. Sometimes, I do feel this way... other times, I don't. I don't feel like the writers whom I read about in their articles on being a writer, actually reflect the kind of person or writer I am. Is this because right now, I'm a fantasy writer?

Maybe I am more like my idea of a writer than I think. I have been marinating this story for twelve years. I HAVE to tell it before I move on to something else, whether that something is fantasy fiction or literary fiction. In that way, I am not an outsider to this body of seemingly agonized, tormented people, who use whispy, reaching language like they are caught in a giant poem.

I should stop looking so far ahead and focus on enjoying what I am doing now. (That has always been my habit in life, if you cannot tell from reading this blog, if you have been reading it for any length of time.) But I am working on this flaw, or trait, or whatever you want to call it, although most of the time it feels like a negative to me. And I think I am doing well enough but I feel it coming on again, a "What's next? And after that?" type of feeling. As if to get to a certain plane, I have to take certain steps, so I'd better know which steps to take because there is no other way to get there. And while I can't get there alone, I feel, neither can I get there by concerning myself with how I am measuring up to other writers.

Thoughts on Belize & the Present

2010-02-24T10:57:00.006-05:00

I began writing a journal by hand in Belize, but the last few days were so packed that I scarcely had any time to write, and so the journal has remained unfinished. I have revisited it and, after thinking hard on those events so I could write about them accurately, I just feel such a squeeze in my heart that I don't write for long. And there is so much to say. I think now that I am down to recording my last night in Belize, I am just putting it off so that I don't have to "end" the trip.

Just like I was sad when my sunburn peeled, my toe blisters healed, and my items unpacked and put away, I will be sad when the journal is done. I plan on typing and expanding what I wrote in my journal to store here, in this blog. That will come, in time. It's just another thing that must be done that will put Belize that much further behind me, which makes me sad.

I did, however, finally write a letter to Meredith, the sweetest little girl I met in Belize, and sent her a few photos of us together. I am now waiting, and hoping that she will write back. She was a great writer, and wouldn't it be cool if I inspired her to continue writing stories?

I am working hard on my own fiction, and meeting some of my goals. I have joined the church softball team, and I am now involved in their ALF (Adults Less than Forty) group and other such activities there. My work with the urban literature author is finished, at least until he writes another book and returns for my services as he has suggested. I am looking for another fiction editing project, and I am considering expanding into manuscript assessment. With my solid foundation of experience, I am confident I can strike out in this branch of the field doing what I already know how to do, and make some more income.

The prospect of going into teaching is no longer breathing down my neck. I like editing, and Jon is between careers right now. We are trying our best but we certainly do not have the money for me to be taking job risks. My employer has taken very good care of me and I need that stability and continued experience. Anyway, I have no time to teach outside of my full-time job; I am writing my novel and doing other such things and that opportunity can bide its time.

I do hope that my next post will be the day-by-day journal I kept about my mission trip to Belize! Keep an eye out for it!

reBlog from hrwritersguild.com: HR Writers Guild

2010-02-23T09:02:00.003-05:00

Read my post from yesterday for an update on my writing progress:

And it is, indeed, a good morning. I don’t know about you, but I am feeling pretty satisfied with my progress so far. In the beginning of the year, I established goals for myself, and I consider myself on my way to achieving them; if I haven’t been able to resolve each one yet, I am still comfortable knowing that I am moving forward.

hrwritersguild.com, HR Writers Guild, Feb 2010Read the whole article!

Books for Belize

2010-01-13T14:50:00.007-05:00

The whole office went to a nice long lunch today to California Pizza Kitchen on our visiting boss's tab. Usually, we only get to communicate with him via phone and e-mail, since he is a part of our parent publishing company in the Midwest. His visits always herald a group outing to lunch, his treat.

This time I got the opportunity to tell him about my mission trip to Belize. We were talking about air travel in general and packing for trips to such climes, when I told him that the reason our group is so large is because we are bringing donated items with us; that it is prohibitively expensive to ship donated items to Belize. When asked what types of donated items we are bringing, I told him school supplies, vitamins, books--He asked whether the school might like our company to donate some books! I said, of course! We began discussing what the students might like to read that we have in our inventory. Quite possibly books about our natural parks, barn variety books, and books on commemorative gardens and memorial parks might be interesting to Belizean children. We even have a bilingual English-Spanish book about a canyon in Mexico.

He told me that it wouldn't take very many books until my bag would weigh too much to check in without a fee, and so he would be happy to have the publishing company send a box of requested titles straight to Belize. The cost, he said, would not matter.

I am so happy right now!! I will have to find out where it can be shipped!

Pricking the Surface

2010-01-12T10:15:00.005-05:00

Last night, I went to give blood at the Red Cross donation center. I balked a little at the initial pinprick (a finger prick to test my blood) and the nurse sympathized. I get a pinprick every week, she told me, and I'm always scared to do it; it always hurts! My prick hurt, but not as bad as I thought it would.

When it came time to give blood, my veins looked dubious, so first they tried the left crook of my elbow. The vein "rolled" and they fished around under my skin for a while, trying to pierce the vein. It was uncomfortable, until finally, I felt a sharp pain, and suddenly an awful burning (the iodine, they speculated). Tears sprang into my eyes and, alarmed, they pulled out the needle. Did I want to try the other arm, they asked? Yes, I whimpered. I came here to give blood, so I ought to try anything to give it! I got in the other chair now, squirming and gritting my teeth and gripping my stress ball, they successfully tapped the vein in my right arm. It hurt terribly. Three different nurses checked in on me, patted my arm, brought me juice. They don't want me to be traumatized enough to stop donating.

As I sat draining, an older woman came in. She had sassy knee-high boots, her gray hair cut in a smooth bob, and a sort of manuscript which she flopped open and on which she began highlighting passages. They slipped the needle in without any response from her. (She said she'd given blood about fifty times.) The nurses good-heartedly teased me about this being the proper way to react to a needle. Well, the joke is on her. I got TWO Emeril oven gloves.

It appears very easy for someone who has been writing all her life to sit down and prick the surface without a struggle, letting the words come pouring out and juggling other responsibilities at the same time (like the sassy donor). For others, even though she writes on a regular basis, pricking the surface triggers fear and is a struggle every time (like the testing nurse), but she at least does it.

For me, sometimes I sit to write and I get that arm where I am searching for blood, but I can't get into that vein. It hurts, and I am scared to move the needle to try and find it. (Hey, at least in writing, there aren't three women in white jackets hovering over me.) But if I am tenacious enough, I will just try the other arm. Stop floundering around one topic and move on to another starting point. It will probably hurt every time, but at least I will be saving up to three lives--I mean, writing words that the world will hopefully read one day.

Give blood, make an appointment to donate!

Short Game (Cross Posted)

2010-01-11T14:40:00.005-05:00

This is cross posted at www.hrwritersguild.com.

If we liken our status as writers to football, then I have just suited up. Somewhat of a college player, I have been out of the game for a while, only recently drafted in by Coach Cindy. I’ve taken a few good runs at the sleigh but now I am ready for the real thing. That doesn’t mean I am entirely confident.

That’s why Coach’s observation that writing is a long drive (as a team) toward an eventual touchdown (by an individual) rings true. Being part of this team means that when I fumble, the rest of the group huddles together and all is not lost. To score, step one is making goals–the crucial step two is sharing them. It doesn’t do me any good to think up a play on my own and take off, hoping that it works out. The rest of the team has to be in the know.

Therefore, in no particular order, here are ten of my goals for 2010:

Figure out if my book will need to become two, or even three books
Write at least every other day–try for ten pages a week at first
Blog about my progress (even regress–then the group can help)
Don’t stop and revise so much, so often
Don’t get shy and avoid explaining my book when I’m asked about it
Decide my target audience and keep them in mind
Read more fantasy fiction (I’m on that one already–Karen Miller’s Godspeaker trilogy)
Don’t guilt myself so hard for not getting it perfect the first time–just write my way there
Decide on a new title
Create an outline–this will help move the plot and avoid fluff that doesn’t advance it

Looking at these, I figure that at least SEVEN of these can be worked toward in the next two weeks! Which is amazing. Having several achievable short-term goals can really be a confidence-booster. Hopefully the new coach of the Washington Redskins will learn from the previous year and realize this winning strategy, too!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-08T09:33:00.004-05:00

I didn't begin 2010 with a new outlook on life or a list of resolutions right away. I didn't look at the changing of calendars as a big turning of a leaf. But now, on the eighth of the month, I see where having that mindset is so crucial. It is really simple to ease into a state of mind where things just roll along and you kind of roll along with it. When I had about a year left in my master's program, I made a list of goals--some far-off or very hard to attain--and I put it on my wall. It was a long time before I was able to cross some of those off, but I did, and it really helped to have it up there for me to see every day.

I think it is time for a new list. This is something I don't want to throw together just because I talk about it on a blog post. It has to be well thought-out and serious. I want to choose good solid short-term goals and challenging long-term ones to keep me focused on the future. I want to put goals up that scare me. Just rolling along with the current of life is not who I am, and it's not what I want to become.

A few weeks ago, I had a guest over who I hadn't seen since before I was doing my thesis. She smiled and asked when I was applying for the PhD. Now I have already posted about why the PhD is not a part of my near-future plans, but it still gave me a real jolt. When I was at my uni, that's all I heard from my friends and professors, and just their confidence in me and the high bar set by their expectations really kept me moving, kept me looking up and reaching. So when she asked me about the PhD again, after so many months of not thinking about it, I realized that I was not looking up and reaching anymore.

Tonight I have a meeting about what my personal writing goals are and I have written up a few. I hope that this first meeting of the year will be a kick in the pants not only for me, but for the whole group, because who doesn't need a kick in the pants sometimes? (Or, as my old writing teacher put it, a fire lit under the ass.) After that, I will come home and really reconsider what I want out of my future and make a new list of goals to put on my wall.

Updates

2009-12-31T08:55:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone!

I can't let the month go with only one post, even if the post has some negative mixed in with the positive. I think that when I do not accomplish what I set out to do, I delay posting a new update because I don't like to tell myself (and anyone reading) that I am not doing what I set out to do; which is, mainly, writing my novel.

There IS some AMAZING news: I have made above and beyond what my goal was to fundraise for the trip to Belize!! At the last moment, I had to raise about $170, and so I planned a Pampered Chef fundraiser show, which raised $213. Then, I received a $200 donation, and a $20 donation completely by surprise. AND, one of the sums I thought I had to pay back ($180 in flyer miles transfer fees to a miles donor) was actually taken care of by someone else. So, I am very happy to say that the scholarship money offered to me by the church can be a smaller amount, if I need it at all! I have to do some math.

The bad news is that I have been working way too hard on this book synopsis for the author whose novel I edited for pay a while back. I already did an About the Author, and it's taking so long to do this synopsis. I guess I just don't have a real solid idea of how to go about it, and what is expected of me. I have asked several times, but I still don't have a real good idea of what the publisher wants to see in terms of a synopsis.

Until I finish that synopsis, which ought to be today, THEN I can start writing my fiction. And it is not good that it's taken me so long on the synopsis, since I have to do some major rewrites and submit AT LEAST by late Sunday, January 3. Our meeting is on Friday, January 8 and I want to be sure everyone has enough time to print it out and work on it. That only gives me a three-day weekend, really, to write a good amount for a group critique to take place; and I assume much of Friday (I have the day off) will be spent recovering and cleaning, since we are throwing a party at our house.

Nevertheless, this is all possible, and I suppose it's good to state these goals here on the blog--it gives me SOME accountability and increases the chance that I will listen to myself and accomplish these deadlines.

Close to Belize Fundraising Goals!

2009-12-03T16:11:00.003-05:00

Wow! I have been working so hard--and it's paying off. I only need $169.85 more to reach the $882 I need to go to Belize! It has been such hard work (and still more to do). I have so far sold food at four church services and delivered food to friends and family who want to help. I have carefully calculated what my mom and I spend on ingredients and food containers, spent hours (sometimes till one in the morning) cooking and baking to make sure food is fresh, reimbursed the money spent to create the food, and sold the food. Sometimes, the margin of profit is depressingly small, but now, as I look at my financial spreadsheet, it has worked in a shorter time than I thought possible! I am so heartened at how close I am.

I couldn't have done all of this without my mom. She's planned the "menus" with me, shopped for ingredients with me, showed me where to get cheap quality containers, and stayed up late with me cooking, baking, testing, and doing dishes. Sometimes it was all we could do not to bite each others' heads off, but so far, so good!

The downside is that I have hardly had time to write. I have participated in the fiction critique group, and I have realized what a huge booster it is going to be for me, but right now I feel mired in freelance writing, guilt over not writing my own stuff, stress over the holidays, and preparation for all this Belize fundraising. I need to be proactive in portioning my time, but for now, I don't predict that the skies will clear for my own writing for another few weeks at least. I need to get some deadlines out of the way.

Fundraising and Fiction

2009-11-18T09:23:00.003-05:00

When all is said and done, I have only managed to raise $159.32 for Belize so far. That is because although through food sales and donations I have made $657.22, a whole $300 of that was a donation from the church itself (they called it a "scholarship") and a whopping $197.90 was spent in groceries (food ingredients and storage containers).

On the bright side, I am averaging a $70 profit at each food sale at church, and I am beginning to take outside orders. I also have most of the ingredients right now that I will need for the next major food sale this Sunday, which will net around another $70 without having to reimburse for groceries. I also have 9 more Sundays to go until the trip--Sundays being the biggest days for selling food.

No one has taken me up on my offer to babysit, which I am sort of grateful for because although I would be a great babysitter, I would rather not spend a whole night watching children (augh). But I would do it for Belize. All those late nights I stayed up baking or cooking (especially cooking alone, since I hate to do that) I kept thinking of Belize. I also know that people have been so generous and will continue to make purchases to help me out.

Last night, one purchaser wanted a $9 quart of soup and $4 bag of peanut brittle delivered way out of my way. I packed it up and added two more soups I hoped to up-sell. When I got there, he not only bought the product but said he was going to give me another $20 anyway. So it just proves that you ought to go out of your way, even when the outcome is uncertain--great things will come of it!

As for my writing, it is getting hard to keep up with my other responsibilities as I bake and cook all this fundraiser food. I have to write a 500-word synopsis and author's bio for a publisher that my street lit author wanted done by tomorrow, but will give me an extension. I have to also critique a 120-page draft of writing for the critique group. It meets Friday and there is no time to submit anything of my own.

But perhaps this delay is for the best. I have reconsidered how my book will start out, and it has massive implications for the future of the plot and characterization of the leading lady. This came about through the advice of the critique group. Since I have developed the habit of thinking thoroughly before writing (which may or may not be the best way to go about it--probably the latter), I feel more inclined to think out my changes before trying to implement them. Once I get done with my author's needs and do the critique group this Friday, I will recenter on my own writing.

Raising Funds for Belize

2009-11-05T13:07:00.005-05:00

Jon saw the PowerPoint made by supporters of the Holy Cross Anglican School in Belize and told me that he appreciates my reasons for wanting to go and understands the great need over there, but financing the trip ourselves is impossible. For me to be able to go, I would need to raise all of the money myself. I understand this--due to Jon's hours being cut, we are coming up with less and less money each month. Even when I do get a little tutoring money, it is not enough to help; and SendOutCards is not doing squat for me (although I am attending an SOC meeting tonight to give it another shot). To go on the trip, I'd have to find $1,000 on my own. Jon said he will miss me, but when I get back, the house will be clean and he would have flowers for me. :-)

I told the Millennium Goals Committee leader that depending on how much I can raise, yes, I am going. She seemed very pleased. My roommate over there (at a bed-and-breakfast-type hotel, paid for by group fundraising) will be a 22-year-old from a church in Norfolk, so she's probably closer in age to me than the rest of the group, who I think are all 40-60 years old.

The cheapest airfare right now is $718, and that is the flight the rest of the group (minus two from Texas, friends of mine and my mom's) is on. We thought mom would be able to pay for it with her 25,000 frequent flyer mile points as she graciously offered, but we discovered that the round trip would cost 47,500 points. Even if mom used her points to round-trip me to Miami (to stay domestic and use less points), leaving me to pay for getting to Belize, it will still only shave around $200 off the trip, and that wouldn't even get me to Belize. We told this to the committee leader, and I think she is talking to people at church who may want to help me with airfare or the transfer of points.

That is so nice! Still, though, there are many restrictions on the transfer and lumping together of point-holders to pay the airfare of a non-point-holder (or whatever terminology they use), so mom go a few people who work at the credit company to see if they could bend the rules. But, we are not sure they could do it, and who/how many can or want(s) to donate points, so whether I can get help with airfare really remains a mystery.

In addition to the $718 airfare, I will need to get a passport. I am not sure how much that costs. Also, I think the others are bringing about $300 for food and incidental costs. So, I will need to raise another $300 at least.

Volunteering in Belize

2009-10-28T10:05:00.006-04:00

The fiction-writers' critique group was canceled last Friday, but everyone seems excited for the next meeting November 6th. According to the e-mail list, there are six women in this group, now seven including me. The leader of the group seemed pleased that I am writing fantasy fiction, since no one else is doing that genre and when I introduced the fantasy of it she was "hooked" and implied that she was happy it was not another historical romance! I guess that's a popular genre.

Another opportunity to help people of another country came up this past week. The deacon of my church knows how I feel about global humanitarianism and suggested that I join the Millennium Goals Committee. This committee has been raising funds to house a group of volunteers who will be making a trip to Belize to help at the Holy Cross Anglican School for extremely poor children. These are mostly the children of laborers who helped build expensive resorts on the water but who return each day to swampland given to the people by the government with promises of it providing electricity, water, and sanitation--promises that were never fulfilled. Still, the people built shelters on the swamp out of anything they could find and the only local private school filled up quickly.

Holy Cross Anglican Primary School in Belize.

A nice pair of tourists to the expensive resort saw that the local children were not in school and so began the project of building Holy Cross Anglican School, a K-8 school with over 400 students and 15 teachers, principal, and vice principal thankfully paid by the government. The school relies on donations to provide educational materials, food, uniforms, and the buildings. The nurse and an admin are also paid with donated funds.

The road to the school.

I spoke to the mission leader who said that a group of volunteers was going to help the school Jan. 24-31, and that one of these volunteers had dropped out of the trip. She told me that I was very welcome to come, and that my costs would be airfare and food, or between $700-1,000. Accommodations were paid for through group fundraisers. I spoke to my husband about it, but he didn't support the idea at all. It was a very negative conversation, but later, we had another more positive conversation about it. Jon said that he would support me going if I could raise the money outside of my job and other income. But still, I know he will be distressed if I choose to go. His job is cutting his hours and we will be struggling to make ends meet. Yes, $1,000 is a lot of money when you think of bills. Then again, $1,000 is NOT a lot of money when you think about an opportunity to help poor children in Belize.

I have until the end of the week to make the decision of whether to go. I really want to go. It's not Afghanistan, a people I have studied and advocated and supported for a very long time; but people truly interested in helping the poor in developing countries do not selfishly pick and choose who they help. They just do what they can to help those in need. Also, I need to research Belize but it is not involved in a dangerous war with the US, definitely a plus. (To drive this point home, a group of UN humanitarians was killed in Kabul this morning, including one American. This city is where WOHP works.) And, by going to Belize, I can employ my own unique skills to helping people. I can help in the library; I can help children and even their teachers improve their reading and writing skills. I would love to teach the children poetry.

I do not want to jump the gun, but I talked about this with my mom and cited money as one of the deciding factors. She offered to transfer her frequent flyer miles to me, essentially paying the airfare part of the trip. I was so, so touched! How could I refuse? I plan on showing Jon the PowerPoint and talking to him more about Belize after his birthday, which is tomorrow.

Invitation Extended!

2009-10-22T13:44:00.003-04:00

I have been invited to attend the next meeting of the fiction-writers' critique group, tomorrow night! I am so happy!

I am not sure if this is an invitation to become a member, or more like a meet-and-greet coupled with their regular meeting before deciding on my acceptance. Anyway, as long as they are giving me a chance, I feel like I am pretty much a part of this group now. I am relieved and heartened that they think my writing has some community value. This is just the motivation I need to continue writing.

Call for Members Removed

2009-10-21T14:49:00.003-04:00

Well, I looked on the writers' guild's website to look for new information and noticed that the call for members--the byline I responded to which sought 3-4 "SERIOUS FICTION WRITERS" to bring the group to an ideal 8--was removed from the web page.

At first, I was elated. I thought it was a good sign that they thought enough of my sample to stop looking for members.

Then I thought, Well, no--it MAY mean that they were inundated with samples from all sorts of writers eager to join the group, and so the leader removed the add so they could wade through all of the hopefuls.

Plus, the fact that they took down the add means that I, one person, responded to a search for 2 or 4 people, and so at the VERY least, 3 OTHER people asked to join, and so they need all the more time to read samples and consider multiple others.

Others who may have had longer samples--who may have made more heartfelt appeals to join--who have more experience, more writer's chops--who don't have intrusive jobs, and who are able to crank out words like there's no tomorrow. Maybe people with stronger connections to writers and bigger publishers than mine. People with published titles and friends in high places.

I wish I could know, already, so I can stop being insecure and start seeing where I truly stand.

Sample Received by Group

2009-10-20T14:59:00.002-04:00

Arg! Apparently my e-mail didn't go through to the critique group leader. In response to a follow-up e-mail, I was asked to resend. So really, the group received my sample today.

I also think I shouldn't wait to see what the group says before continuing to write. I am going to write this thing regardless (right? right?) so I shouldn't let waiting on anyone else's approval hold me up from laying my plans and achieving my goals!

Sample Submitted

2009-10-17T17:52:00.001-04:00

Well, today I completed about 15 pages of double-spaced writing. It makes me nervous that I take so long to write. Am I talented enough? Will they think I am too slow? Am I too slow for this group? If they don't reject me, am I signing up for another year-plus of stress?

The thing is, if I don't become part of a writing community, I don't think there is any way that I will write this book. I will just have to try and take things one step at a time: submit the sample, hear back, and then IF I get into this group, I will hear how often they meet and how much they write prior to each meeting, etc. Only at that time can I really understand what I am getting myself into and decide whether or not I can handle it.

I am not sure how long they need to read the sample. I know that the leader of the group wanted to distribute it to the group, so I assume they need the time to read it as a group and make a group decision about whether they want to take me in. Geez, I hope they like my genre.

The best I can do now is check my email often. God, I hope this is the door you wanted to open for me, and that I did my best to get invited through it.

Writing a Sample

2009-10-14T14:39:00.003-04:00

The critique group for the local writers' guild was expecting a sample of my writing at the beginning of the week, but things came up and I wasn't able to expand on the few pages I'd started out with. Tonight, after taking care of my dog, I will pack up the laptop and go mobile. I think I will go to the library and, if they are closed or closing early, I may just go to a coffee shop and continue. I am just afraid that if I stay at home, I will just surf the Internet and snack or watch TV. I really want to have at least 10 pages to send to these people.

My Blogging Experience

2009-10-12T15:05:00.003-04:00

When I first converted my blog from an interactive classroom blog as a student into the documentation of my MA toward my PhD, I thought that this blog would be solely a record of my experiences as a student. More and more, I think of it as writing out my future. Writing is cathartic, and helps me to figure out my priorities as well as keep track of my decision-making process and when and how I come to conclusions.

At some point this year, I really took an objective look at going for the PhD and decided to take that ambition off the table for now. I have so many other goals in life that would be incredibly hampered by taking on such a long, rigorous program--as well as the financial expense of doing so. In short, I have (1) prioritized other life commitments, (2) found the necessity of moving to attend a good program and moving to maximize the possibility of tenure too extreme, (3) and consider it a debilitating financial investment that would have too little (economic) return. These three reasons thread through innumerable other reasons that make up my conclusion to consider going for a PhD a "later in life" experience--say, when my future children are teenaged.

With that said, those of you who follow this blog can make the choice to either stick with me, or drop your readership for other academic blogs. I believe A Series of Sojourns, at this point, is going to take a "creative writing log" sort of turn. In any case, the path of one's future is not set in stone, but as you can see from my most recent post on Thresholds, I have far too many paths to choose from to make a definitive life plan (and this bugs me!).

For me, this blog will retain its basic purpose as a record of my life choices and an aid in documenting the hard work and accomplishments that I forsee for myself. I hope you will still drop in and offer encouragement!

Thresholds

2009-10-08T10:36:00.005-04:00

Thesis Delivery Notification!

I received notification that my theses were delivered and ready to pick up yesterday afternoon! I zoomed over after work as soon as I could, but the registrar was already closed. I was so disappointed. My mom knew how upset I was and has offered to go pick them up today. I can't wait to see my work bound and sewn in a hardcover!

Thresholds

In the past month, I have been exploring new thresholds, but I haven't been able to effectively step over them yet. I am thankful to have so many opportunities, but at the same time, having so many choices easily confounds me, since I hate to pass up an opportunity. When I express frustration everyone's favorite phrase to pacify me is to say, "You are so young!" as if to say that I have years to take everything one step at a time. Which I suppose is true enough--except I don't think of 26 as especially young!

If I left the whole "bearing and raising children" step in life out of the equation, I wouldn't be so pressured to accomplish HERE and NOW. However, at my age, that stage in life is looming and it's probably very un-feminist of me but I look at the early childbearing years as a black hole in which I won't be able to focus on my other goals in life.

But as it is, I am an MA graduate, 26, childless, and it is prime time to make some decisions and take some steps toward the next chapter of my life. But which combination??

Local Writer's Guild. On Monday, I received an e-mail back from the leader of a critique group asking for a 20-page sample of my work before they will potentially allow me to join their group. I need to either find some suitable older work or come up with 20 new pages quickly! I don't want them to think I am slow! Since I have been thinking of the same plot for a novel for TWELVE YEARS now, this is a project I really want to take on and finish. It is a big commitment.
SendOutCards. This is a company I joined months and months ago (nearly a year ago?) and I haven't done much with it yet since I was so busy with school. I just renewed my directorship and I have scheduled a home party. Anyone reading this can send a free card at www.sendoutcards.com/hfloyd or click on the logo in my sidebar and let me know how you like it! I want to focus on this business and start making an income from it.
Teaching College. I had thought to take on a class to teach by the spring, but it makes me so nervous. Plus, don't I want to finish writing this book? Don't I want to give SOC enough time to start generating income?
Tutoring. I am pretty much over tutoring for the medical college. They hardly ever want me to tutor, and when I do, it's not very convenient. I think I will wait until I get my last paycheck and tell them to find another tutor so that I can be released from my position there to concentrate on my other goals. Then, if I still want to tutor, I can put out an ad and probably make more money an hour than I do with my present tutoring employment.
Women of Hope. Jon and I volunteered at a sale together last month and it was SO successful. I will volunteer more in the future--and maybe start speaking for the group. The actual trip to Afghanistan is off the table until the distant future.
My Episcopal Church. I have started attending a Beer-n-Bible study (fun!) to look at religion from an academic angle (my favorite angle). The more I read about the Episcopal church, the more I realize it jives with my personal beliefs and values. My most immediate goal is to become a full member (involves some classes).
Millennium Goals Committee. A group at the church. Under new leadership, it donates to 4 charities a year to reduce world hunger by half by 2015.
Lingering School Projects. Do I want to collect data about speech acts and co-author with my old professor? Mold my thesis into an updated, publishable article? These were my main interests in school (I presented on these topics at conferences) and it almost seems a shame to drop them without pursuing publishing.
Fitness. I haven't been utilizing my gym membership enough and I want to improve my weight and fitness. I have to make time for this.
Motherhood. Future motherhood really complicates matters. Pregnancy is long. Birth is painful. The whole process is expensive. It is probably my farthest goal on this list so it is at the end, but it is very important nonetheless. I suppose it also marks the ultimate "deadline" of sorts for the goals above. I don't want to shed my identity and become simply "Mom" when I have children, but motherhood changes everything and I want to make sure I don't have regrets about my projects once I become a mother.

Well, those are it. Among these thresholds, the main issue is the "Teaching" one. If I take on even one class, I don't see how my other goals will get the attention they need. I am struggling with this, but I believe I may need to put that off for the time being, or else teach online. It's an option I am taking seriously.

Officially Awarded

2009-08-28T09:47:00.007-04:00

Well! This morning, it is official: my degree status is "Awarded." Staring at this word on the computer screen, memories came flooding back.

After graduating with my BA in 2005, I immediately applied to my uni's master's program. I wanted the Literature track, and I got it--but not long after, I tried to get information on switching that to an MFA in Creative Writing (a totally different degree; pretty naive of me to try a simple "switch"). Of course, they weren't having it, but still I deferred enrollment for one year. I don't remember exactly why, but it was definitely for the best. I was still in wild college mode, and was acclimating to my new job at a directory publisher. I didn't settle down until I met my husband in September 2005. I worked and matured during that year, beginning my degree in August 2006 at age 22.

For a year, I took literature classes (four classes). I knew how to be a good literature student, so it wasn't too mentally challenging. Then, I remember a literature teacher telling my friend, who was switching to the Rhetoric & Composition track, that it was easier to get a job with an R&C concentration. I began thinking more about my future, and whether I truly wanted to teach. I figured that I needed to get into teaching classes, and so the following semester I took teaching college composition and teaching comp to grades 6-12. I did well. The next semester, there were limited classes available, and I chose topics that seemed to interest me: authorship & discourse, and language and social psychology.

BAM! A whole new world of English, of language and theory, power and authority, social constructs and reactions opened up. It was so challenging. I thought deeper, longer, and with more passion than ever. I became a more active class participant. I enjoyed better professional relationships with my professors and advisor, incredible and smart people who gave me invaluable guidance. I broadened my knowledge by taking final course papers and developing them into conference papers, even winning Top Student Paper at a huge regional conference. I began writing as a contributor in my uni's feminist blog.

I don't remember when exactly I switched to R&C, but I made that switch confident in where I wanted to go. Slowly, I developed different expectations of myself. By the time I finished another semester, potentially ending my degree, I felt like I had only taken four classes of what really interested me out of the ten classes it took for the master's degree. One of my last two classes really introduced me to feminism, and I desperately wanted to write more about women's issues, in particular my growing interest on Afghan women's oppression. This combination was what led me to pursue the thesis option--committing to a spring semester and eventually a summer semester--instead of doing the oral exam like so many of my colleagues (only two other colleagues I know chose the thesis option, and they were in humanities and linguistics). Because of this decision, I feel like I really got everything I was supposed to get out of a master's degree. If I had left in December, I feel I would have only cheated myself.

So much has happened since I began my degree in August 2006. I was 22, almost 23--in a few weeks, I will be 26. I got engaged, then married. I got a much better job as a book editor. We moved twice and became homeowners. We adopted a cat who sadly and quickly passed, then got our two current cats and later a dog. My grandmother developed cancer and passed, as did three elderly members of Jon's family. Jon and I have endured and grown from our own issues. It is amazing to look back on the person I was before I began the master's, how I changed, and how I may change in the years ahead. Edit successful books, become a teacher, become a mom (hopefully in that order).

Enough reminiscing--tonight, I celebrate with my husband, my youngest brother, and two of my best friends with ice cream and laser tag, and will watch the Redskins game after that! God, thank You for the talents You have given me which have shaped my life!!

Huge Strides & Master's Completed

2009-08-24T10:33:00.006-04:00

My exact date of graduation is August 28th. Although the final day to submit the thesis is August 27th, there was no reason to wait; I turned in everything Wednesday, August 19th!

Jon, in the weeks leading to the final submission, was so invaluable. Without complaint, he is the one who made it possible for me to get everything done during my uni's office hours, which are my own office hours. When I realized that there was a deadline for the editor's office, August 14, Jon was the one who went to the uni to print my entire thesis and submit to the editor by 4:30. This is even more admirable when you consider that, by some weird computer system fluke, all printers campus-wide could not be made to print on one side of the page only, meaning that Jon had to "print current page" 174 times and monitor the printer so no other student walked off with my pages. Then, on the day I turned in everything, I noticed a horrible typo in my abstract. Jon--who had already dropped off my photos and soiled bridesmaid gown that morning--went to the print shop to get the typo corrected.

That day he picked me up early from work and we went to my school. First, we dropped off a dessert I made to the editor's office to show my appreciation. Then, we went on to pay for the binding. I had thought that I had to pay $40 for the binding of EACH thesis--No! It was $40 for all 5! What an unexpected surprise! :-) Then, we walked down one floor and submitted each thesis (we had 6). I had all the forms I needed, completed; it felt TOO easy! Then I went to schedule what I thought would be exit counseling for financial aid--and discovered all I had to do was fill out 2 forms! It was just TOO easy. Afterward, Jon took me to my favorite restaurant--Carrabba's--to celebrate.

Afterward, my advisor recommended me to a member of faculty looking for worthy graduates to teach fall courses. I was excited but nervous, but I pursued the possibility until I spoke more with the "scout" and found out that I didn't graduate soon enough for the paperwork necessary. Right after that, I had a chance to pursue teaching at Thomas Nelson CC, but I realized that (on top of the school being very far to teach in conjunction with my full-time job) I really need this time to focus on my marriage. We are still healing from the extended stress of my master's and thesis, fissures in the family, and my frustration with balancing marriage and academia/activism. All of these combined have convinced me that I need time to repair my relationships and focus inward on my home life. Already, from what Jon and I have accomplished over the weekend, I feel a tremendous closeness and strength. Right now, I am still reeling from the end of my very demanding degree, but I recognize this new and free feeling and I know we will be building on it for a long time to come!

In a recent post, I made out a wish list of things I wanted to do. Well, I have already gotten my short hair-cut and yesterday, we painted our living room! Jon and I plan on adding bowling and billiard's leagues to the list, as well as volunteering for WOHP and other causes together.

There is SO much more to post but little time! I will post more regularly to fit everything in!

Marriage and Activism

2009-08-11T10:05:00.007-04:00

During the course of my two-year marriage, I have had to continually negotiate the ambitions I have for my personal and academic growth with my responsibilities as a partner in marriage. At first, I favored my personal ambitions over consideration for their effect on my marriage, and this caused a lot of friction.

My heart and mind are known to attach themselves to some pretty lofty aspirations, and I love to share my initial excitement over potential projects with my loved ones. I revel in the joy that comes with speculating, planning, anticipating, and hoping with others. My mind also plays its part, weighing the pros and cons very carefully for myself before heading into a big commitment. This is something I must do for myself. Therefore, it makes it very, very difficult for me to consider turning something down on my own when someone rushes ahead and says, "No."

The support of my husband was, as I expected, extremely hard to get. But, initially, I worked him around to being supportive of the idea. Like I said, it made me feel so relieved and also so loved and respected that he supported my desire to go and help the women I have been writing about and working so hard for. However, after some time worrying over it, he has put pressure on me to instead work for WOHP here, or choose some other domestic cause like helping at homeless or battered women's shelters. He says he would even volunteer alongside me. However, he would be too afraid for my safety were I to go to Afghanistan even for 10 days, and even so, the trip would be costly, especially at this point in our lives; not just financially, but emotionally.

I find that again I am torn between my responsibility to the health of our relationship but also my deep desire to experience helping in a destitute area for a cause so close to my heart. He is not quite saying "No" anymore, but there is a lot of pressure to put my commitments at home before my commitments to activism and Afghan women's empowerment. And my commitment to strengthening my marriage DOES come before this--but can it not just run parallel to it?

For activists in marriages, how do you reconcile marriage with activism? Are women who put their lives on hold to help women overseas also putting their marriages on hold? Is there a difference between a young wife without children taking 10 days to volunteer in a volatile land and a married/unmarried childless woman/empty-nester doing the same? Can two women have the same level of commitment to a cause if one has more freedom in her marriage to take risks while the other prioritizes differently? Do you believe husbands are any less committed to social change if they place their marriages ahead of taking risks to do good deeds?

My Heart for Afghanistan

2009-08-05T15:13:00.003-04:00

Two years ago, in 2007, I heard a woman named Deborah Newell from the Women of Hope Project speak at my mother's, and now my, church. She talked about the poorest of the poor women of Afghanistan and how Betsy Beamon of Virginia Beach founded WOHP and evolved its efforts in Afghanistan to help women--from soil-less gardening to its new initiative, the Embroidery Project. At that time, I hadn't ever thought too much about Islamic culture, Afghanistan, or empowering two-thirds-world women. But after hearing WOHP's story, I was intrigued. Since then, I have been reading about Afghanistan and its strong, brave women and women's role in the patriarchal family structure dominated by sometimes honorable, sometimes brutal edicts for women rooted in Islam.

I volunteered with WOHP, but I constantly was looking for ways to do more. My thesis grew out of my interest in Afghan women's representation in humanitarian and political rhetoric, but now that the thesis will soon be due, I wondered what my next step could be. I have been half-heartedly casting about on the Internet for a possible short-term volunteering experience over there, but couldn't find anything feasible or trustworthy.

Then, Betsy returned to the US. I was surprised, since I knew she'd only left just recently. I talked to her on Facebook, and our conversation went something like this:

Heather
Hi Betsy... you are not in Afghanistan now? I read the WOHP blog and thought you were there with Deborah!

8:51am Betsy
I was and we all arrived back in the States last Saturday. [...]

8:52am Heather
Oh wow! You were only there a few weeks? [...] How do you decide who comes with you to Afghanistan?

8:53am Betsy
We were only there for 10 days this time. It was the first trip for most of the ladies, and that is about all anyone can handle the first time. But..we were super busy everyday! [...] Anyone who wants to come and can raise the money to pay their way can come! I am always praying for people to come but most people are afraid. I am hoping this blog will help people to see that they do not have to be afraid.

You are most welcome, should you decide you would like to join me sometime. I have another team going over in October.

8:54am Heather
Oh my gosh... I would be so honored to go--but I don't know what my husband would think, and my parents would be scared for me. [...] What is the limit of people you take with you?

That is a very appreciated invitation!

8:55am Betsy
that is usually the case for everyone. It took Deborah 7 years to get the courage to come but all she kept saying was that she wish she had come sooner. They could call her and she could give them the 'real deal'

8:57am Betsy
We have accommodations for up to 4 guests not including me at our Center but that may change too because we might have to move and we are hoping to find a place to accommodate more. [...]

Right now, I have two going in Oct. One lady is a nurse from Tampa and one is an artist who is going to be teaching art to some of our kids. [...]

8:59am Heather
So it really isn't dangerous? Are you only in Kabul (except when you go to Ben-e Warsak?)

8:59am Betsy
We are hoping to have organized teams come over every 4-6 months.

8:59am Heather
That sounds great! So you have trouble getting people to come?

9:00am Betsy
We are only in Kabul and BW. It is safe there but everyone needs to be aware that anything can happen at any time anywhere. We have a really great staf who are all very security minded and take very good care of us.

Yes, I do have trouble getting people to come because they perceive Kabul to be like IRAQ but it is not. [...]

I came back in Nov earlier than I usually do because of a missionary friend of mine who was killed in our neighborhood. That was an isolated event. To put things in perspective, there is much more crime and violence here than there! Here, the violence is random and unpredictable. There, at least you know if you are a target or not and how to keep your head down.

9:05am Heather
Right.

I'm very sorry you lost your friend :(

9:06am Betsy
Sounds like you really have a heart for this country. I would highly recommend a visit but at the very least, try to get together to talk to the ladies who went. I am sure Deborah would love to share with you about the trip. Especially since she was so apprehensive before going.

9:07am Heather
That would be fantastic! [...] Do only women go on the trip? [...]

9:12am Betsy
So far, only women have expressed an interest. Men are welcome but we would have to figure out a different plan for accommodations for them or for married couples. There are other guesthouses there that are nice.

My staff would loovvvvvvveee to have some men for a change!

9:13am Heather
Haha! That's funny--I'm sure it might complicate accommodations. I was just predicting what kinds of things my husband might say--like if he wished to come too.

9:14am Betsy
He would be very welcome! We can make room for the two of you! Besides that, we might have a new place by then!

9:14am Heather
How much does it cost a person to take part in this trip? [...]

9:16am Betsy
The flights came to about $1800 total. With food and lodging, figure on $2500. [...]

9:19am Betsy
It's not cheap. The flights are RT from the US to Dubai, then RT from Dubai to Kabul. Sometimes you can get a better deal. Then the accommodations are $35 per night in Dubai and $25 per night in Kabul. The average dinner when we go out is about $20-25 per person, although some of the ladies were salad eaters so they were able to go more cheaply. Deborah can probably give you a better estimate.

Every day is a new adventure!

we try not to work you too hard but just seeing the country and the projects and meeting the people can be sensory overload but a very rewarding experience. I don't know anyone who has been to AF who has not come back a changed person.

9:22am Heather
I think it would be incredible. Just to experience what it's like to be a woman in a Muslim country, plus to have better empathy with poor women worldwide

And whatever I experience would be tiny compared to reality

Everyone should welcome that kind of perspective

9:23am Betsy
You have had a heart for these women for a long time. there is no doubt in my mind that you will get to meet them in person one day

9:24am Heather
That would be so fantastic. I just wonder if it will ever happen! But at least now I know you are actually looking for people to go with you! [...]

9:24am Betsy
It will happen! I am sure of it!

I love her optimism! After that conversation, I was bubbling over with excitement. I love to plan, and with the limited information I had to go on, I was eager to search out more so that I could more accurately picture how such a trip would go--and how I would get there. I looked at the pictures of the women who went who had posted their traveling photos to Facebook, and I knew I would have to buy some shalwar kameezes and matching headscarves. That, I would probably have to add on to the $2,500 cost of going.

Divided by 12 months, I would have to save about $208 a month for a year in order to go. I am going to throw myself into my SendOutCards business, apply for teaching an online writing course (one friend told me how I could do this and make $250 a student), and do some fundraising.

I talked about this plan with my parents, who were too worried for my safety there to approve at first, but eventually they did; my thesis chair, who supports me enthusiastically and suggested ways to go about academic data-collecting there; and my friends, who are excited about the idea of me taking my dreams another step further. The support of my husband was, as I expected, extremely hard to get. But, over the course of last night, he is now, incredibly, supportive of the idea. It makes me feel so relieved and also so loved and respected that he now supports my desire to go and help the women I have been writing about and working so hard for, for so long.

The Deadline Dance

2009-08-03T10:45:00.003-04:00

The deadline dance is similar to the brutal art of bullfighting. It is an age-old institution in which the determined bull collects a bristling of spears in its undeserving back for daring to think that the red, waving deadline is in a permanent position. Instead, the sadistic matador repositions the deadline without prior warning, sticking the bull with disappointment and leaving it weaker than before, but ten times as angry.

The story is that I found out that my GDP was going on vacation for 2 weeks a week ahead of time. I was told that my thesis had been edited, and I got them to deliver the thesis to my GDP (who is on another floor of the same building as the editor). I was so thankful that they did, but I when I picked the thesis up from my GDP directly, the thesis HADN'T been initialed... OR edited. So, I had to resubmit it. I also heard from a friend that the same thing had happened to her--she was told her thesis was ready, but when she picked it up there were no markings or signatures indicated that it had gone through the process.

I went out and got different price quotes for printing the thesis. Of the 5 mandatory copies, I wanted 2 printed in 100% cotton rag (for the library and for myself) and 3 printed at 25% (two for the department and one for my director). It would have cost $145, so my husband called around and decided someone with a nice printer could print it and so we bought only the paper: $67.

While all this was going on I knew that I had to get the title pages signed ahead of printing the entire thesis (because it is still being edited). I started sweating since I was told--by my uni's website and in the uni's thesis formatting workshop--that the FINAL DATE for the registrar was August 7. I printed the title pages and overnighted them from FedEx to my one committee member out-of-state for $23.37. I also tucked a check for that amount into the envelope to cover the return cost. I fretted because that's a lot of money.

The very next day, I looked at the website and saw that the FINAL DATE was August 21! I was so mad. What the hell did I overnight that package for?? I called the registrar and they said that the actual FINAL DATE is August 27! What a cunning matador! Whisk whisk whisk! I was so angry. I had totally wasted a lot of money. I frantically called, emailed, and facebooked my committee member to tell him not to bother overnighting it back with my check.

Here's what I learned: *Binding fees are $40 for the first 5 copies: total of $200. *I can copyright the thesis for $65, but if I do that I will pay a mandatory additional $55 to microfilm it. *Instead of actually copyrighting it, I can include a copyright page without paying for it. I just won't have legal recourse and can't collect royalties (royalties--that's a joke!). *The registrar does not know what the copyright page should look like; I should ask my department. *The department does not know what the copyright page should look like; I should ask my style editor.

And, again, I called in to check on whether my thesis has been edited yet and STILL, the crucial initial-sheet has not been initialed. But, the girl on the phone said, it may have been edited. They have been having a problem with getting people to put their initials on it. I think that is so bogus.

Amusing: I told Jon that the binding fees would be $200. He incredulously asked why the uni is not responsible for that. Then he asked me to see if the committee would pay for it. Riiight.

On Track with Thesis

2009-07-20T09:12:00.004-04:00

Wow! I am actually fulfilling a deadline I scheduled in my last post! I worked on my thesis over the weekend and printed it out at school, and tonight I will turn it in!

I also need to get in touch with my GDP and make sure he has my final version to read.

Next, I will need to scope out places to print that also have the special thesis paper I need, and estimate some costs.

Soggy Thesis!

2009-07-16T13:20:00.003-04:00

Oh no! I took my thesis to the pool, and when I bent to pick up my towel, water splashed off my body onto the concrete, where it followed a runnel and secretly soaked into the bottom of the stack of paper. That part isn't so bad--it's the few drops that got onto the thesis tracking form, causing it to warp and wrinkle, that really gets me!

My plan is to revise it tonight and tomorrow night, buy extra pages at the uni library, and print it off there. Then, I can run up and turn it back in Monday night with the changes made.

Got Thesis Back

2009-07-15T09:38:00.003-04:00

I went to ODU and got my thesis back on Monday. I rifled through it and it seems that my only transgressions were spacing issues all along my front and back matter, and I need to turn on widow/orphan control and make even spacing before and after my tables and figures within my main document. Unfortunately, changing like these likely necessitate reprinting the whole thing over again. Then, the editor marked, she will check my citations. So I expect another round of corrections after this one.

Last night, I finished reading The Unit by Ninni Holmqvist on my Kindle.

Wow. It was really an amazing book. It was recommended by Amy, the blogger on Appetite for Equal Rights. Without giving anything away, the main character, like all women over 50 and men over 60 without children, is sent to the Unit, a sort of retirement community-type place that exists under an organ donation bank. People without lovers and children are deemed "dispensable" and are kept in the Unit in luxury until such a time as "needed people" out in "the community" need organs. People in the Unit are also required to undergo scientific experiments.

The feminist aspects of The Unit are very interesting. For one, apparently men in the community are forbidden to flirt with women--it's a criminal offense. Everyone, even after having children, works--daycare is provided for young children. The main character, Dorrit, is a childless writer who, during the course of the book, has two male lovers (marriage no longer exists in this world I believe) and luurves being sexually submissive to them. She also is intensely drawn to the weak housewife/strong male provider way of life, and since this way is long gone, she thinks of it as romantic and old-fashioned. Despite many feminist overtones in this book, things like this throw that perspective for a loop. Well, especially since women are basically required to be mothers to continue living! Well, then--so do men. All importance is placed on procreation. (Except there seem to be many gay/lesbian couples in the community--so I suppose parenthood, rather, is the highest social value.)

I strongly recommend this book! I'd love to talk about it with you!

Wish List

2009-07-09T14:16:00.004-04:00

Now that I have the time, I want to...

Fix bike tires for my bike, get Jon a bike
Paint rooms in the house
Redecorate my office and add shelving
Plant bushes and flowers in the front bed and backyard
Go to the gym more and eat healthy
Write fiction and start my book
Make a mosaic out of grandma's broken lamp
Frame more recent photographs for the house
Deep-clean my neglected home, plus steam-clean
Go to more local minor-league sports games
Get a short hair-cut
Make some recipes with my mom
Paint a picture of our first cat, Gorgeous
Put together some photo albums
Scrapbook my wedding album

Thesis is with the Editors

2009-07-07T12:48:00.006-04:00

I made it--the thesis has been turned in to the editors!
I am friends them on Facebook and it's funny to see them bemoaning how much work just unloaded onto with one of them at the loveliest peak of summer. Sorry! I wonder how soon they will send mine back. They actually don't have to read and correct the whole thing before returning it; once they accumulate a relative bunch of corrections, they can send it back. I am not sure of the whole process but I certainly did my best with it.

Oddly, these "editors" are purely style editors, in that they are not supposed to be "reading" the thesis and marking grammatical or spelling errors. Lame. I plan to hunker down poolside with it and hunt these down soon.

Other projects:

I have been asked to continue as the medical school's English tutor! Ah, I am almost regretting it. Inconvenient work, that. I need to get back with a student and say No, I'd rather not do 9:00-p.m. appointments. Geesh.
I had my last meeting with and received my last paycheck from the fiction author whose book I was editing! Hooray! Except, I have a few more corrections to make and email to him, and he would like a summation of what he can do better in the future.

Thesis Deadline Today!

2009-07-06T14:10:00.002-04:00

The original deadline for the thesis was Friday, June 3. I was very happy with that, since that was a holiday and I pictured myself with a whole day to wrap things up before turning it in. Then, the afternoon before, so many things happened that worked out okay!:

I learned that July 3 is a university holiday, and one of my summer thesis pals had to call in for special permission to turn it in Monday, July 6! I flipped out. Thankfully, I got this "special permission," too.
I realized I never got permission to use Chicago instead of the Department standard, MLA! Thankfully, I got permission to use Chicago. I hope I did it right.
I still hadn't gotten permission to use the Feminist Majority picture in Chapter 2! I called to chastise them for not letting me know, and they said We DID let you know--you cannot use it. And that's when I realized I lost my cell phone.
I found my cell phone! It was in my bathrobe.
I made special plans to get my thesis director's signature, but in our last conversation about it I called it was it was, her initials, and she said Wait--you just need my initials? Oh--well you can just write those!

So, besides not being able to use the Feminist Majority photo (so I just described it--nyeh!), everything seemed to be okay by the end of the week.

But then, I had to print the thesis. As for page numbers, I knew three rules: (1) the first 3 pages are not numbered at all, (2) the dedication is the first numbered page, and has roman numerals, and (3) when the chapter text started, they would have Arabic numbers. So I printed the whole thing out, knowing I could ask my coworker to help me the next day and I could reprint and replace those front pages. Well, one important rule was NOT mentioned in the handbook--THE CHAPTER TEXT STARTS WITH PAGE 1! I only realized that when I found THIS BLOG on thesis page numbering that mentioned the rule!! This rule was verified by another summer thesis pal. Thusly, I had to reprint the whole damn thing.

In addition to that, figuring out the dot leaders for the Table of Contents was HELL! My coworker had to help me out with that, too. What a savior she turned out to be. I should bake her something.

So, it is printed, the page numbers are correct and plugged into the Table of Contents, and all I have to do is leave exactly at 4:30 when work gets out and HOPE I make it to the stupid university in time to hand it in before 5:00. I will call and make sure they can give me a few extra minutes if I need them. I am exhausted.

Still Working Toward July 3rd

2009-06-29T10:45:00.003-04:00

What do you know--I am still working on both my projects: on the editing section, due July 2nd, and the thesis revisions, due July 3rd. I have been really hard on myself but I haven't been able to make progress in leaps and bounds, regardless. I have had to be content to move inch by inch, even though I dedicate hours at a time to these projects.

I am about halfway through the thesis revisions, and I am having to reorganize my sections yet again, which means a lot of rewriting of my transitions from section to section. But, in rereading and revising, I think I am making the thesis SO much better; so at least I am not treading water with my work. It is really going somewhere and my meticulous attention to it is making it all the better. I believe I can finish it in time--I am only worried that my thesis director will not see it until the editors do, and I am worried about having the time to craft an abstract and the rest of the front and back matter that go with it. I have July 3rd off, so I need to find out when the editors close up shop so I can allot myself maximum time to get the thesis ready for them. I also need to make sure I have the photo permissions gathered and arranged as an appendix correctly.

I am working on this ridiculous editing section. It couldn't be due at a worse time. I am on page 493 of 525, but each page is weighted down with the most awful errors. He probably got to the end of the book and in his excitement to finish, decided not to bother with the most simple of rules for his spelling and grammar. After I mark up the sheets, I still have to correct the document. I would sneak in this work at my job, but it looks like I have much to do this week. But like I keep hearing, "I brought this all on myself."

And before my work-filled weekend even began, a very sad event befell the family. My dog Nyckel, who I got as a present on my twelfth birthday, died just short of 14 years old. She would have celebrated that birthday on July 4th, independence day. Since I got married and moved out, she has stayed with my parents and brothers and her dog-brother, Ali'Hadda.

Nyckel Lynn, 7.4.1995 to 6.26.2009

She began choking and coughing on June 26th, 2009, and was rushed by my parents to the emergency vet. They determined that she had a collapsed trachea and put a tube in her throat and sedated her. There was a surgical option, but that did not always work on the most healthy and young of dogs, and Nikki was neither. Then there was a medicinal option, but for it to work, her throat would have to stay open when the tube was removed. After 2 tries, her throat re-collapsed each time. There was nothing more to do. We said goodbye to her peaceful, sleeping body and sent her away to the next life.

Staking the Starting Line

2009-06-15T16:24:00.003-04:00

It is the start of a new workweek. I met the challenges that precluded my return to the thesis--a successful meeting with my author and this morning's dentist appointment--as well as the pleasures that I put before it--watching Jon play baseball and going bowling. My favorite show, The Bachelorette, is also on tonight. After that, though, it is back to business!

I got my revisions on my thesis from my thesis director a week ago, but I can't get too down on myself about the long hiatus because I was, in fact, working on editing--it was just editing for that fiction book which is ALMOST DONE! All I can do now is count the days ahead--18 days until the required deadline for the editor--and do what is required just as quickly as I can. One thing, though: I can't get bogged down in my zest for summer. I know I am allowed to enjoy myself, for sure, but it is just too easy to imagine that it is all already over with. I must persevere.

Things to Do

2009-06-09T13:39:00.005-04:00

Thanks, Lonely and Tabetha, for your congratulations and encouragement :-)

I received revisions from my extra-diligent thesis chair, who somehow found the time to read my 150+ page thesis on her vacation in New Orleans and give me incredibly tuned-in revisions! Wow! On one hand, "You go, girl!" On the other, "Damn it. Ignorance was blissful."

My chair wrote that she was impressed by my improvement--it is "so much more clear and unified" and she was frequently struck by my insights and observations! Woohoo! So, I went into the document and I see that her feedback is pretty balanced between sentence-level and conceptual revisions. Mostly, they seem to do with organization and digression, like she warned me. (Good! Not so painful a fix.) One chapter in particular, Chapter 4, looks like it needs more work than others. She also brings up a point I hadn't thought of, that I will need to set aside time to ponder.

What's nerve-wracking is that I can't really start working on this until this weekend. I have to edit a section of fiction by Friday. Also, the committee wasn't copied on my thesis chair's revisions, and I wonder if their revisions will contradict hers, or if she will need or want to see theirs. Or if they say something and I make the change, and she doesn't agree with it later, causing more work.

A great thing is, I will have pocketed an extra $440 this month in freelance editing income and $240 minus whatever in taxes in tutoring. So I should be making around, what, six hundred extra bucks to relieve our expenses in DC and our upcoming trip/expenses for being a bridesmaid in my cousin's New York wedding this August.

SPECIAL DATES:

Fri., 6/12 - Have section edited. Meet author at 5:30.
Sat., 6/13 - Begin thesis editing.
Sun., 6/14 - Jon plays baseball, I go to watch.
Mon., 6/15 - Cavity filling. Augh.
Sun., 6/21 - Father's Day.
Thurs., 6/25 - Session.
Mon., 6/29 - Have last section edited. Meet author at 5:30.
Fri., 7/3 - Thesis editors MUST HAVE thesis.

Thesis Done! Anniversary Weekend!

2009-06-08T10:04:00.011-04:00

On Friday June 5th, 10:20 pm, I e-mailed my thesis to my committee! It felt so good. I didn't think it would take so long to revise, but there you go. A month and a week from my thesis defense--although I didn't start revising until a week or more after the defense. There is still much to do, but I will elaborate in another post. My heart is too full with my anniversary weekend getaway trip!

We left around 9:00 am Saturday, and got some yummy Chick-fil-A breakfast, then gassed up at Wawa where I had delicious Kona coffee and we stocked up on snacks for the cooler. We got to Jon's brother's townhome in Fairfax around 1, which he owns with his wife and their dog. We all decided to hit the mall, so the 4 of us shared lunch. We had a capricious meal of fries and ice cream and Jon and I struck out on our own. I saw beautiful pashminas at a kiosk, like the Afghan one I treasure, but the Indian woman explained that everything there was Indian and the scarf was called a "jamawar." I bought a blue-green one with a flower print edged in some sort of South Asian pattern and fringe. At the Redskins store, Jon bought a grill cover that looks like a giant Redskins jersey.

Grinning like thieves, we went upstairs and saw The Hangover, and it turned out to be the funniest movie I think either of us has ever seen, at least in a long time. We laughed so hard, and we couldn't stop talking about it for hours. I recommend it. I can't think of an appropriately awesome adverb--I just recommend it HIGHLY. See it.

After the movie, we went back to the house and laid around until the dinner reservation approached. We dressed up and Jon's brother and sister-in-law came with us, which was great because we are really close. Texas de Brazil is a beautiful restaurant and the food is amazing. The rooms are faintly South American, lit dimly with dark red accents and riveted steel criss-crossing the ceiling as if we were in the hold of a ship. There was a GIGANTIC lovely flower arrangement in the center of a salad bar which had, seriously, all of my favorite non-meal food items: shrimp, asparagus larger around than my thumb, green olives dusted with herbs, black olives, SUSHI, delicate potato salad, and loads of different salad items and finger foods. There was also a bar with lobster bisque and heavier foods like mashed potatoes. The waiter was excellent, the service on point. Jon bought a bottle of red wine. We each had a button with a red and green side, and if on green, the gauchos come by with meat to offer you. There was filet mignon, flank steak, bacon-wrapped chicken, lamb, pork, sausage, etc. It was all held vertically on skewers with the points resting in steel dishes to hold the skewer securely and catch the drippings. My sister-in-law and I had frozen orange drinks. We declined dessert, and I tried the lobster bisque, which was incredibly flavorful. Everything tasted so amazing. The company was lovely.
Jon was very romantic.

The next day, we woke up early and got breakfast at a bagel place. Delicious sausage and cheese bagel and toasted nut coffee! I don't know what it was about this trip, but everything I ate or drank tasted incredible. In part, it may have been love. I can't count the times Jon said I was beautiful, kissed me, and held my hand--and he is not normally a hand-holder. I was walking on clouds. We went on the metro to ride into DC. We had planned on a few museums, but we ended up taking one long tour of the American History Museum and deciding that it was too lovely outdoors to stay inside. The museum was great though--I liked the First Ladies exhibit and the bits on slavery, Jewish immigration, and even an exhibit about The Pill and its role in the sexual revolution that they explained very honestly and clearly, I thought.

We walked a lot and went up to the White House. I was there once when I was around twelve, and the barriers set us back a lot farther than I remember it being. Maybe security has really gone up since then, or since Obama took office, I don't know. We had a woman take our picture but since we had a disposable camera I couldn't make sure she did a good job. I hope she did!

We ate hot dogs and a snow cone, and decided that we'd taken in all of DC that we'd came for, and took the metro back to the car, and from thence, home. We didn't hit a lot of traffic, and sang duets to the radio and ate our snacks and just enjoyed the ride and lovely weather. We stopped at Jon's parent's to pick up our dog--who was on his own little vacation poolside--and eat some hamburgers. All three of us were exhausted from our wonderful weekends. I just feel so happy. I am really looking forward to closing this chapter of my life, the thesis, and moving on to the next. I already have had a taste of what it will bring and I couldn't be happier.

Liar, Liar

2009-06-04T11:32:00.004-04:00

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know I'm a liar when it comes to deadlines. I wrote yesterday that I would be turning in my thesis on June 3rd, or at least before I went to sleep. Well, I did not. I did make HUGE progress, but then I hopped onto Facebook and saw that my thesis director was online. We chatted and she said that if I needed to take a few more days, I could--and should, because what I turn in should be my final work. It was only eleven, and I could have written for another hour, but it is human nature that when one's deadline is extended, the brain goes into sleep-mode.

Side note: I am wearing grey pants with a black top and black shoes, and I just saw two people wearing the same combination in the last half hour! I guess today's the day women are running late and yank the simplest ensemble out of their closet that they can quickly put together.

Anyway, I have LESS THAN THIRTY pages left. Imagine that! It sounds like a low number, but it's exasperating how long it can take to become satisfied with a page. I do believe, though, that I can finish and turn this thesis in tonight, even though I have to go to therapy tonight.

Hopefully, I didn't just jinx myself.

Turning in Thesis Today

2009-06-03T09:51:00.005-04:00

I worked very hard over the weekend. I wore my most comfortable fleece pants, stocked up on sunflower seeds (they help me concentrate) and M&Ms (a mental trick; I call them "smart pills") and settled in like a bear in her cave. I revised, researched, thought, wrote, rearranged. And all in all, despite all this, the page number by which I marked my progress climbed so slowly. Finally, on Sunday night, I wrote in to tell the committee that they would have to wait for June 3rd, and they were just as pleased with that.

Finally I got so tired of my cave that I wanted out or else I could not do a thing. The past few nights, I have toted my laptop, papers, sunflower seeds, and a few books over to my parents' to write there. They have finally sold their house after months of it being on the market, so they are packing things up and it is quite a ruckus with the screech of packing tape, squeak of Sharpies, and general bumps and thumps that accompany moving, but my littlest brother's room is pretty quiet (and he has a huge, beautiful computer monitor) so I set up temporary shop in there until he comes home late at night and I have to leave anyway.

I don't have much to do at work. I actually told my boss and she redirected a manuscript from an overburdened editor to underburdened me. So, I shuffled the papers around on my desk and here I sit now, getting my bearings before pulling up my thesis document and working on that on the sly. I figure I can revise here and there to get a head start on finishing the whole business tonight. I am not going to sleep until it is done.

Still Optimistic About June 1st

2009-05-29T15:49:00.002-04:00

Okay... so it's Friday, May 29, and I am 1/5 of the way through revisions on my thesis. I am, however, still optimistic because Chapter 1 was, without a doubt, the most needy chapter in terms of revisions and I am not too surprised that each page took me so long to unravel and knit back together.

I am still optimistic about meeting my June 1st deadline, but I am equally comfortable with asking my committee to expect it later that week if it comes to that. But definitely, it should not take any longer than that. The committee needs time to read the entire thesis, which is standing currently at 125 pages, send me any revisions, have me make them, and then I will return it for their review. This process should be allowed adequate time, so 3 weeks is really the limit to keep things at a respectful pace. The date for the editor is July 3rd, and that date is not negotiable.

I think this weekend will see a lot of progress. I am looking forward to having it off my mind while I am away next weekend on a second-wedding-anniversary get-away to DC!

The Thesis Makes Dogged Progress

2009-05-27T11:12:00.002-04:00

I am moving in the right direction. Despite it being a three-day weekend, it was also of course a holiday, and that meant taking the time to relax with family. I think it did me--and my familial relationships--a lot of good. We sunned by the in-laws' pool on Saturday evening, and lazed under my parents' canopy with my brothers on Monday afternoon. We all really enjoyed ourselves and I was rejuvenated by this healing time.

I read and underlined and highlighted a whole lot in preparation, and so I didn't feel like I made enough tangible progress. The revisions are a whole lot about reimagining the line of my argument and rearranging my work around it; then do I feel comfortable enough to revise on the sentence-level. So while I am definitely doing well and applying myself, at the end of the day, I see a lot of red type and brackets and heave a heavy sigh as if I've done nothing at all. I am just trying to see the value in what I have been able to accomplish and see past the editing-in-progress. Finally, last night, I sat and was able to finish twelve printer-ready pages. Sadly, I have 132 pages total at present.

One of the professors at the nearby medical school where I tutor, I think the new head of the practicum course or something, wrote to me asking whether I would like to take on a new class of practicum students. I am pleased, but I think I will reply that I will not take on any new students until August so that I can be sure my mind is free of the thesis. I should do that today.

Also, I spoke with the author whose book I am freelance editing and he is so nice about giving me the time I need to do this thesis. Our final two meetings have been rescheduled for June 8th and 25th. I am confident that after the first entire draft of this thesis is turned in to the committee, I will have just enough time to edit that section quickly and efficiently.

As for the thesis, I don't expect many changes for Chapter 2, and half of Chapter 3 is a Web content analysis, so I am hoping that changes for those sections will be minimal. I just have to finish editing Chapter 1, which is SO hard, and incorporating the new research I have done to chapters 1 and 4. I am nervous about the June 1st deadline, but I am not hopeless about it yet.

Reaching for June 1st

2009-05-22T12:36:00.003-04:00

It has been a long time since my last post. For a while, I was just plain embarrassed at my oral exam/thesis performance. Then, I was incredibly busy for the week leading up to my May 9th commencement ceremony and party. For the past two weeks, I have been keeping my relationships in repair and beginning the organization/additional research stage of the thesis, even taking time off to attend a thesis formatting workshop last Friday.

During the defense, my committee told me that I had an exact month to revise and return the thesis, setting a date of June 1st. I worried then that one month was not enough time. Well, I'm really worried now! Nothing--or, hardly anything--tangible has been done. Shhh, don't tell!

The drop-dead date for getting the thesis to the departmental editors (there are two, and I know for a fact one is hoping for lots of editing to do over the summer, so I am in luck) is July 3rd, so even if I surpass the June 1st date a little, I am pretty confident about it still making the summer thesis schedule. I have also been seeking permissions to use the photos in the thesis, and so far I have zero refusals and a "Yes" from RAWA for the photos from their site. There are 2 problem graphics from RAWA, one movie stillshot, and one Feminist Majority picture still not approved yet.

In addition to formatting the thesis, I have to write several attending pieces I hadn't counted on having to furnish--Acknowledgments, Dedication, List of Figures, List of Tables, and an Abstract among them. That abstract will probably give me the most trouble.

So far, I have done some additional reading that produced fruitful results, and I have the notes from my committee all gathered together. I lumped everything into one document, and have set up the front and back matter in documents. The library books have been returned or renewed as appropriate. I have the formatting booklet. I have M&Ms, sunflower seeds, and coffee handy. I also have 10 days' time to get it all done. {Gulp}

After the meatier revisions, I think, I will focus on the attending documents. I can't let much more additional reading distract me. I spent this week on that, and I should allow myself to pull away and start putting results on paper. It's just hard getting myself started.

The Oral Exam/Defense is Over!

2009-05-03T13:45:00.004-04:00

On defense day, I woke up and made waffles and coffee and finished some studying at home. Then, I wore a real cute professional shirt/skirt combo and threw some papers together and went to campus. I settled into the lab and read my full notes, paring them down into notes good for glancing at during the oral exam--shorter sentences, a few key words, a few transitions to help me along. I went to the building where the defense would take place, primped in the bathroom, and bought a water. But as the hours ticked away, I grew more and more anxious.

I got to the room early. It was lined with bookcases, and most of the space was taken up by a long table with several chairs around it. I took my things out and kept studying, but I was just so scared. I felt honestly very queasy. My heart was pounding. I wilted inside, knowing that my emotions were getting out of hand. I tried to rein myself in.

My thesis chair came in, and I felt relief, because she normally makes me feel better. But I was too far gone. The other two committee members came in. Everyone was warm and friendly, but I began to freak out. I wanted to leave the room, calm down, and come back and start over.

I led an introduction about my first classes, and I think I dwelled too much on them. I would catch myself doing so many things I thought were wrong--take too long on something, pause grasping for a word, backtrack or get off-track, saying "um" and "you know"--and I would take a longer pause, berate myself in my head, and wonder how to recover. A few times, I just rubbed my temples or the bridge of my nose, and apologized, tittered, and barreled ahead.

Finally, we got through that part and went over the thesis. I was still fumbling, trying to relate coursework to thesis, pausing and wondering what the hell I was doing; man, I was freezing up. But thankfully, I squeezed out a few moments of coherence and managed to make a decent show of my knowledge and atriculate a few good connections and understanding.

My chair asked that I take a few moments outside while they conferred. I sat by a window and watched a girl a few floors down struggle with a dolly cart that kept falling apart. She was so helpless about it, and I felt like yelling down, JUST CARRY IT! I felt almost like she was me in the defense room--acting so helpless when it would have been so easy to solve the problem. I almost cried but I had no idea when they would call me back in.

When I was called in, they were all smiles and handshakes. I wanted to punch myself because I KNEW I'd made an ass of myself--in front of the three people I look up to most and have so much respect for. I still feel like I have impressed them so much for so long, and now, at the very end, I have been exposed as a sham, a girl who can't speak properly in front of three of the most nonthreatening supporters she has. Augh. But there were handshakes all around, and they congratulated me and told me that I'd passed, that I was a Master of Arts. My heart fell to my knees. Relief splashed with regret over my performance.

They suggested going out for a drink, and we all went down to a pizza place and had a beer. I love these people. Each is so different, but so smart and successful. I loosened up a little and allowed myself to breathe. The conversation turned to my future plans, and we talked about their experiences in graduate school, how I could get there, and which schools had good PhD programs. They assured me glowing recommendations. I vaguely mentioned that family obligations might get in my way. They told me life is about compromise, but also about doing what makes you happy.

I thought I would feel happier, especially by now. Maybe the worst part about being done with this master's is that, it was something I did for myself. I was a huge success at it. I got all As, I excelled in multiple projects, I conferenced. I made lasting contacts. Now... what will it amount to?

I need a year. A blessed year to recuperate and find my bearings. To myself, I thought, I want to work on my marriage. I thought about writing fiction, planting flowers, painting the cat Jon and I had to put down that we never got a photo of--that poor thing. All the stuff I haven't had time for. Then I told them that I wanted to take a few of my projects further--and I do. They were happy with that, and I can be happy with that for now.

This single-mindedness may have warped my psyche. Look--the summer! The bright, carefree summer! It is mine again! I am young, I am a success! I am not futureless, for God's sake! Why am I being such a sadsack? I DO need time to slow down and normalize.

Two.. TWO Days till Defense!

2009-04-29T11:39:00.004-04:00

Things are SO not as bad as they seemed Monday night, when after my last post, I panicked and had a major meltdown over my impending oral exam/thesis defense. I was told to come up with 2-3 questions about each of my ten classes in order to speak on those questions for a total of an hour and 45 minutes, and that didn't seem possible. I was told that maybe I should postpone my oral exam, and that devastated me. The next day, I made some calls, the committee got together, and now I have totally different expectations for the defense.

I will open up the oral exam with an introduction, acknowledging the classes I've taken and pointing out that I started with literature and teaching, and mention how they might have shaped my understanding of rhetoric. However, mainly I will concentrate on my last year-and-a-half's worth of work. That is good because that time was largely spent with my committee members and I feel like that is where I experienced the most growth. This will go on for five minutes, and the rest of the 25-minute segment will be spent in "friendly conversation" about key concepts, theories, and methodologies that I have learned in my past classes.

After that 30 minutes, I will introduce my thesis, answering: What is it about? Where do I see my argument going now? What revisions do I anticipate? I will bring my full thesis for page referencing and note-making, and bring a pad for more general notes. This will take up to an hour and a half! Fine with me--I know my subject like the back of my hand!

In general, I am supposed to keep my eyes on ideas, theories, and methods. I should be thinking of what I've learned about language, identity, and power, and apply that across all of my courses.

I loved my degree. God knows it has been so hard sometimes, and I usually have at LEAST one good bout of crying at some point during the semester because it is so stressful to pair the degree with career and marriage, but I really loved it.

I have written large pieces of work on editor-author professional communication and tensions in the field, indirect speech in biological and in-law family communication and its impact on marriage, and plenty on RAWA as an Afghan feminist group with political and humanitarian interests using images on their Web site to solicit donations, among a number of smaller papers and other interests. I have participated in two conferences, and won a Top Student Paper award. It's really been a pleasure and a privilege to be a part of my academic community and share my voice in the larger academic discourse community. I really hope to continue that, and hope I don't lose the bonds I've made at school.

Now, though, I have an oral exam/thesis defense in only TWO DAYS. I studied hard last night and I will study hard tonight and tomorrow night, and review well Friday morning. And at 1:00, I will confidently sit with the three most influential academics in my life and share what I know, soak in what they know, and take what I've learned and make my thesis better.

4 DAYS Until Defense

2009-04-27T09:37:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I found each bundle of work saved from each class and stacked them all in a circle on the floor. I sat in the middle with a root beer, candy corn, and smoked almonds and went over the contents of each bundle. My animals all came in one by one, intrigued by my new studying set-up, and traipsed all over my papers to nose around.

I thankfully found each of my syllabi, and hadn't written anything stupid or embarrassing on them, since I knew I had to copy them and give them to my committee. At this point, I would look unprofessional and unprepared to go asking for the Word files by e-mail less than a week ahead of the test. The worst part was having Jon drive with me to the library.

He was reluctant, to say the LEAST, and irritated the crap out of me and while I copied each syllabus page by page at the library to make 3 neat stacks. Well, he was mildly helpful at first, but it was a confusing process. It might have taken around six bucks to copy all of that, which I didn't anticipate. Thank God Jon had extra cash on him. Finally, I stacked them all up and placed them in 3 large envelopes with my committee members' names on them, and walked to the English building. IT WAS LOCKED. I was so upset, and ready to go home, but Jon told me to check each door. I walked around the whole building, tugging on each stubborn handle, until suddenly, one obscure door to a back stairwell opened! I believe God left that door open for me. I ran up almost in tears and slid the envelopes under the 3 office doors. I got a little scared that the elevator might stop with me inside, or that I wouldn't be able to get out because many of the doors have electronic locks, and I'd forgotten my cell phone. Finally, though, I got out, task completed.

I just have so many troubles and they are building so high that I cannot separate my personal life from the academic work that MUST be done. The clock was ticking, and I have to turn in exam questions to my professors very soon, like today, but last night I couldn't sit and commit my mind to studying. I went for a drive, got some gas, and decided to go chill at my mom's for a little. I really have been able to get down and grind out my work despite my problems before, but it is getting to be too much. All I have, though, are FOUR MORE NIGHTS before the most major part of this process is upon me. I can't lose my grip now. I have to grit my teeth and plow ahead, and relax and open my mind to the academic brilliance I know is there.

One Week Till Defense

2009-04-24T08:29:00.003-04:00

Good morning! The physical quality of the day is lovely. It's bright, cloudless, and warm outside, and the weather tells me to expect a high of 90 for the next four days. The ducks around the lake are starting to have babies; I saw a brood of 10 little puff-balls bobbing on the ripples of the lake yesterday when I walked my dog.

It is just a shame that I have to miss so much of it.

I had a deadline of Tuesday night to get Draft 2 to my thesis chair, and it ended up being early evening Wednesday. Suddenly I had a night free! Jon took me to a delicious sushi buffet and we went bowling! I had a lot of fun but kept thinking about whether my chair would like my revisions. I got a quick turnaround on the feedback and it is much improved. I had a minor crisis over two points of commentary, but I talked with my chair about it and I am keeping one section she initially thought was needless (I have 5 good points why its essential) and another section will move to another chapter. I don't know if it will end up being used, though.

So last night I made some of these revisions, but it was just so confusing. I think I am also so darn close to the end, that my mind is saying "Enough! Enough! Let me just BE!" I love what I am writing about but I have this HUGE mental reluctance to do ANYthing. It's very bad. But nonetheless, I knocked out the smaller revisions mainly to do with word choice and moving this or that here or there, and cut and pasted her feedback onto my doc so I can work from just one. So, the thesis is all ready for me to return and polish it up.

I am just so apathetic. I have a horrible attitude, and I need to get the fuck over that because I am too close to the end. My thesis defense date is in ONE WEEK--it's next Friday!

I plan to finish my revisions tonight (as late as it takes) and go over it with my chair tomorrow so that I can hurry up and send it out. Then, I need to haul out all of my master's degree work and get that in order. Most importantly is finding and making copies of my past syllabi so that my committee has adequate time to review them.

Deadline Met

2009-04-19T15:35:00.002-04:00

I stayed up for an all-nighter Friday night, and finished my first draft of Chapter 4. I began almost right after work Friday and stayed up until 5:30 a.m. I was actually very awake and clear-thinking until around 4:30, then I think my exhaustion made the chapter end in a fizzle. The chapter ended up being pretty long, 32 pages, when I expected to have around 20-25. The overkill really showed on the feedback I received from my chair the next day--huge sections are marked as repetitious, not needed, to be condensed, or to be moved.

Yesterday was a day to recharge, and I am only just now about to truly sit down to it again. I went church and did some chores, so I am ready to turn my mind back to it.

I am happy to have made the deadline, but I thought my work was better than it turns out. Oh, well. I am usually able to take feedback and come back with an amazing revision. Hopefully, I do it again for my next deadline, Wednesday morning.

New Directions and Deadlines

2009-04-16T10:27:00.003-04:00

I met with my thesis chair last night to discuss the thesis and my work on Chapter 4. I had written all but one section plus the conclusion and was having trouble knitting all my ideas together coherently. It was odd--I would start with one topic sentence and wrap up the paragraph with a totally different idea. I was also starting to use extreme language and not the objective language I have been using; for instance, throwing out a stark accusation or vivid description of something, when I need to try to be academic and thoughtful about it. I think this stems from my state of thesis-panic, but also from the emotional connection I have with the topic.

Afghan women have been targeted with a new law that legalizes marital rape (see my post at www.phem.org) and mandates that women get their husbands' permission before leaving the home, and so 300 brave women marched against the law two days ago, only to be stoned by a crowd of supporters that vastly outnumbered them. Afghanistan also suffered the loss of a great social activist Sitara Achakzai, gunned down in front of her home on April 12. It is heartening to see people, women, out there risking their lives for women's rights, but extremely sad to realize how real that danger is. They are so brave--they have to be, or else accept a life that allows their bodies to be used and sequestered and treated as property. A life like that must be so lonely and helpless, so empty. No wonder they face these odds.

I am filled with admiration for these "female compatriots" of Afghanistan, but at times it seems so hopeless. The context of the situation is so complicated. So now, as I wrap up my thesis, moving from a Web content analysis in Chapter 3 to a chapter more interwoven with ideas and suggestions, I feel like nothing I really say can help. Maybe it can explain, and offer a new type of rhetoric to get America to back off a little and allow RAWA to do both its humanitarian AND political work, but I don't feel like I can really make much of an impact anymore. I sit and write a master's thesis about indigenous online humanitarian rhetoric, and women trying to enrich their sisters' sad and restricted lives are gunned down in front of their homes. I just don't get it.

We talked about this for some time, and went over a few ideas for my thesis--some rearrangement here, a new connection there, an interesting tension to be explored here. I asked about how we are doing on time, and while she said "fine" at first, the deadlines we set to get Chapter 4 out to the committee a week in advance of the oral exam/thesis defense are strict and tight. They are below:

Fri. 4/17 -- send in Chapter 4 Draft 1 to chair before sleep
Sat. 4/18 -- receive feedback on the draft to make revisions
Tues. 4/21 -- send in Chapter 4 Draft 2 to chair before sleep
Thurs. 4/23 -- receive feedback on the draft to make revisions
Fri. 4/24 -- send Chapter 4 final out to committee

After the committee has the entire thesis, I will gather the syllabi of my classes and forward them to the committee and prepare for the oral exam/thesis defense! After the defense, I will make revisions to the entire thesis front to back and the approved manuscript will go on up the department.

That is a very tight schedule, indeed. I need to manage my time and regain the discipline that I had the first 2.5 months of the thesis.

Chapter 4 in Progress

2009-04-14T10:34:00.004-04:00

I have been making steady progress on Chapter 4 and am really proud of what I've put together so far. It's taken a lot of rearranging, but mostly, I have been able to make it flow really nicely from the research I have done. I have 23 pages now, and it will grow from there. Hopefully, not too much! I want to finish it soon!

I got so much done Saturday, and since Sunday was Easter, I did do a little work but didn't get to put in a full day. Last night, Tim O'Brien, author of The Things They Carried and many other books, spoke at the TCC Literary Arts Festival and I took my little brother to that. We got our book signed, talked with Tim, and had dinner at Chili's. After that, I laid down "for a minute," but that turned into all night!

So today, at work, I am keeping the file open to work on here and there. I fully plan on getting this monster out tonight. I also have to pick up my graduation tickets at ODU!

Quick Update

2009-04-09T15:04:00.002-04:00

I caught an awful head-cold with terrible sinus pressure, and between that, work, and therapy, I got a late start on returning to my thesis Chapter 4. I have made pretty decent progress the last two nights and I'm excited to make some more real headway tonight. I plan to finish the chapter by Saturday night so that I can return to the first two chapters over the following week. I also need to get back into the swing of dieting and running, but I will hold off on the running until my breathing is back to normal. Other than that... just working, writing, and sleeping.

Organizational Progress

2009-04-04T19:21:00.003-04:00

I started to lie and say that I wrote 14 pages today, but I really didn't. I started out with 10 pages, read them, and took pains to make an outline that seemed to fit what I wanted Chapter 4 to look like. Then my friend Helena came over, a colleague also working on her thesis, and we worked together for a few hours. I went through a few documents and merged all of my notes onto one document, my Draft 1. I spent some time rearranging, even adjusting some wording and piecing some information together. I put a few notes, in red, of what I would like to see happen here and there. I dumped some information that must have seemed relevant a month or more ago.

I have a really great map to start from, but I still have far to go. The best thing is, for all that work and having a product of a pretty decent outline done and a hodgepodge of material wrestled into some sort of order, I feel totally prepared to begin work tomorrow.

Tomorrow, in addition to writing, of course, I may go to my friend Kate's presentation in Norfolk at 11. Jon wants to start a sort of Sunday morning ritual where he cooks breakfast in the morning. I suppose that is a good sign. Therapy is Monday.

SSCA Conference: Success!

2009-04-03T10:45:00.003-04:00

The SSCA conference was so much fun! It was at the Norfolk Waterside Marriot. I got in around 10 and really wanted to sit in on a round-table that included talk about the Rhetorical Situation (Bitzer) that I have trouble with in my thesis, but it was packed in there, so I nestled into a couch and read over my presentation. I ran into the two professors who had helped me with this paper a year ago, and chatted with them until the next panel began.

Later, as I was flipping through the program that morning to see when the Awards Luncheon was to see whether I would get the Bostrom Young Scholar award, when I saw the heading: "Top Student Papers: Finalists for the Robert C. Bostrom Young Scholar Award" and three names and papers listed. I was not among them. Bummer.

I sat through an awfully boring one before deciding to grab lunch across the street. There, I met up with my friend Kate and she came in to see my panel! The two gals presenting next to me were master's students, but wow they looked so young. I had seen them in the halls before and thought maybe they were teens staying at the hotel with their parents and had gotten lost; that's how old I suddenly felt when they began presenting! But they were wonderful speakers!

Paper #1's presenter was not there on time, so we started anyway and I was last. The respondent addressed the two gals before me, and they had a chance to respond. While the respondent was speaking to me about my paper, Presenter #1 arrived in a flurry of bags and papers, whispering loudly to the panel chair. I was especially irritated when the respondent finished her critique to me only to immediately announce the late woman and her presentation! I was so mad; my floor-time was stolen from me! After the last presentation, the other panelists got questions. I steamed inwardly on the end of the table. Then my thesis chair, who had come to watch, raised her hand. I took my time with her question. I was so relieved!

I am as surprised this time as I was last time, that the Q&A is what makes me so nervous before the presentation, but when it comes time for Q&A, I crave attention and questions.

Afterward, to my surprise, there were plaques presented to one of the young women who coauthored with her professor for Top Paper, and to me as single author for Top Student Paper. I covet that plaque.

I stayed for another panel and enjoyed the reception with my friend Elif. Then, I met up with my parents to show off my plaque and have a margarita.

The sky outside is clearing up, and it aptly reflects my mood. I am energized in love and life and learning. Chapter 4 will begin on the crest of this new wave, tonight!

Chapter 3 Submitted to Committee

2009-03-31T10:48:00.002-04:00

The whole committee finally has Chapter 3. I spent all last night on it after taking Baker on a long walk and making a giant mountain of salad. I got to the last 2 pages or so and had to force myself to keep going and not leave it for tweaking during my workday. It is getting busier here at work, and that old "Oh, I'll finish it up at work" safety net is no longer reliable.

I am going to the nail salon with my 2 best friends tonight. I am looking forward to it but I really want to go home and spend a good hour on making some tangible progress on Chapter 4. I have to treat it like I love it. I really do love my subject, I think I am just so overcome by dreams of summer.

It's so hard working on marriage and family when the thesis is so close to being done, but so much left to do. I am experiencing a serious yearning for picnics, movies, camping, trips, beach days, long casual dinners. I want to bike, surf, cook with Jon. I want to read a pleasure book while he plays video games. I want to weed the front plot while he plants new shrubs. Carefully paint the trim while he makes broad strokes on the walls with a roller. I just want to BE with him, without the cloud of the thesis, or worse, the cloud of our problems.

One Step At a Time

2009-03-30T15:13:00.002-04:00

I finished my presentation subject to minor revision, and sent it to my prof for his opinion. It took me all weekend. I am nervous because I will not be able to give a PowerPoint; something that has always anchored any part of a presentation I give. It helps me stay focused on my audience and makes my delivery more conversational. Without a PowerPoint, my presentation has turned into a bulleted list of sentences. They all connect, and read like a paper, they are just bulleted so I can at least check out my audience and find my place easily when I look back down. I just don't want to sound like a robot as I read and I am anxious about how scripted it sounds so far. The most important thing is, that it's done.

Suddenly, I am freaking out about my appearance at this thing. It is supposed to be a huge conference, and I need to look mature and authoritative about my subject. I normally wear my hair with my bangs pinned back in a "poof" and the rest twisted on the crown of my head. I don't think it's the most flattering style, and it makes me look young, but I HATE having my hair down. I want to get a nice layered cut that I won't mind wearing down that day. I also have a $25 gift certificate for nails that runs out April 1, so I am trying to get a friend to go with me. I also need to find out what to wear. As I've blogged before, my clothes are getting smaller as my thesis weight creeps up on me.

Tonight, I will revise Chapter 3 and turn it in to the committee. Then, I will get my nails done. After that, I will curl up with some Chapter 4 reading material. Tomorrow night, I will focus on Chapter 4 again and try to write a little. Wednesday night I will get my hair cut and practice my presentation delivery and tweak the working to be a little less stilted. I'm so anxious! Have I mentioned that I am still in consideration for the Bostrom Award? I will know within the week!

End of Week 3!

2009-03-28T14:21:00.002-04:00

Today ends Week 3! Wow, 4 more weeks of work on the thesis, and ideally one week to prepare for the defense. That is NOT a lot of time.

My meeting with the author went from 5:30 to 8:00 pm! I couldn't believe it. Our meetings just get longer and longer. I already don't feel like I am getting paid enough for this, so staying so long for the meeting is a little overboard. I need to really watch the clock next time.

When I came home, I was so tired. I ate some soup, sprawled out on the bed, and completely passed out. Jon slept on the couch rather than move me.

I woke up early and cleaned up, went for a run, and made myself presentable. Now, I am working on my conference presentation, but again, I am allowing myself to be distracted. I need to focus! I want to get a good draft done tonight to show my professor! I hate that I procrastinate like this. It's down to an art form.

TGIF... How to Use It?

2009-03-27T15:03:00.003-04:00

My meeting with my professor went well. We spoke of the upcoming conference, conferences in general, master's student versus PhD student attitudes/practices toward conferences and how our uni publicizes them, etc. Then we kind of shot the breeze and worked around to my thesis, since he is also on my thesis committee. He's a really nice guy and I hope he has a really accomplished future--he seems like very dedicated to both publishing and teaching, which I understand is a hard balance to strike.

Anyway, I wrote to my GDP's RA to schedule my oral exam/thesis defense, and hope for a favorable reply. I need to e-mail my division head for the conference and make sure I don't need a PowerPoint and how long I have to present. I should make sure that my chair received my draft, since I haven't heard anything. I need to print out a new graduation application and make sure I am straight on the books for an August graduation date, not May. I need to vaccuum when I go home and wash the sweaters so I can lay them dry and pack them away now that it's warming up.

Last night, I spent the entire evening editing with TV in the background. It is an easy enough task that I can do that. But, oh, it took so long. I was up until 1:30, and got up a little late this morning. Tonight, I go to my meeting with the author in Norfolk and exchange the Word file for the money. Maybe I will have enough daylight to go for a run; but then again, it is overcast outside and may be too dark. Then, what? Begin work on my presentation? Work on Chapter 4? Whatever strikes me.

Chapter 3 Draft 3 Submitted

2009-03-26T09:40:00.002-04:00

I stayed up until one working on my revisions. I couldn't have done it without Jon; he stayed up and played video games because otherwise, I am too tempted to crawl in next to him and go to sleep. As it was, I was so over it, I would call out "Can I go to bed now?" and he would reply "Are you done?" "No." "Then, no." And really, that is the only thing that kept me working.

Tonight I meet with one of my professors about this conference paper. I wrote it last spring on interfamilial management of indirect speech acts, women's roles, and its impact on marital success. I will read over the paper throughout the day and then go over it in the meeting to be sure that whatever I create for a PowerPoint will make sense. I am worried about this conference since it is supposed to be huge. It's called the Southern States Communications Conference, so I presume that it is not national, but it still beats the GPIS conference for size. On the program, I also see some faculty I know speaking. That makes me way nervous. However, besides the thesis, I think this is the best paper I have ever written so at least I have a solid basis for a presentation. I mean hell, it got the Top Student Paper Award for my division!

After the meeting, I will probably be up at all hours making electronic corrections this urban fiction section, since I haven't gotten much of a jump on that and the meeting is right after work tomorrow. After that... it's Chapter 4 time. Or presentation creation time? I don't know.

Arrested by Anxiety

2009-03-25T10:31:00.005-04:00

Dealing with life seems to have sucked all of the self-confidence out of my writing process. Maybe it is the exhaustion, or fear of the thesis totally unrelated to my family issues, but since I put off the thesis for 3 weeks to focus on family and rest, I have had anxiety that keeps me from generating new ideas and accessing my academic vocabulary.

Things are getting better. I had dinner last night with my parents and brother while Jon worked. Soon, Jon and I will attend a therapy session. Things are patching up. Since feeling better, I had planned to finish Chapter 3's revisions, but I have been plagued with this anxiety.

At least I have been productive in other areas of my life. Like I keep telling myself, family is my utmost priority, and I have always made myself available for opening up communication. I have also been editing the urban fiction book for my deadline this Friday. Tutoring has also picked up and I have a meeting with a student tonight. I also have the SSCA Conference April 2, so I am meeting with a professor about it tomorrow for which I have to prepare and I will be working on the presentation leading up to the conference date. Along with the other students to tutor waiting in line, I have a busy week-plus ahead of me, and Chapter 4 yet to write.

I plan on getting Chapter 3 Draft 3 out TODAY to my chair, then truly begin Chapter 4 over the weekend. However, it will probably take the next two weekends at least to complete. That leaves less than a week each for final revisions on my chapters, saving a week to prepare for my defense. See why my brain is gripped with fear? I need to PRODUCE and that is the one thing I can't do for whatever reason.

Let's Get Personal

2009-03-20T09:49:00.003-04:00

I haven't been able to write anything. I sit and reread the same sentence five times, and my mind keeps drifting to the personal issues that have plagued me since I got engaged, and have erupted since last Thursday (incidentally, the day of my last post). I really don't want to get too personal, but suffice it to say, the issues within my marriage are largely about the issues within our larger family circle: my parents, Jon's parents, and us.

Jon and I are doing well, but ultimately, we have decided to go to a therapist, at least initially. This appointment won't take place for weeks, and meanwhile, I am left to try to deal. Outwardly, I have to manage communication with my family. Inwardly, I wonder what I did wrong or what I could have done better.

When arguments among the family occurred, I tended to play down the situation and do my best to smooth things over. Unfortunately, while I was stuck in the middle trying to please everyone, I was letting my husband down by not fully acknowledging his feelings and standing up for him. While I did speak for him in the argument, often I also tried to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and move us all past it. Jon never knew where he stood on my priority list. Finally, it took one event to put everyone's cards on the table, and finally, events are beyond my damage control efforts.

I feel very destabilized, and at a time when I really need to lean on my husband, I keep returning to the fact that I very nearly didn't have one. I'm glad that our communication is better than ever, given that I am liberated from peacekeeping, but I feel unresolved anger at the other players in the conflict. I feel a little lost.

What is ridiculously, painfully ironic is the topic of my conference presentation which takes place in 2 weeks. It concerns women's roles in managing communication between the family of origin and in-laws, and its impact on the perceived success of the connecting marriage. So ironic, that it would be funny if it didn't totally throw my research for a loop. I worry now that I will do terribly at this conference, since my management of communication between the family of origin and in-laws has had a very negative impact on my marriage--even though I was trying so hard to sweep the resentments under the rug.

Academically, I have come to a halt, and that is very scary since I am so close to finishing the thesis. I agonize for hours at the computer before giving up and turning to my other tasks--tutoring materials, freelance editing, etc. Anything less mentally taxing that I can still call an accomplishment.

Update

2009-03-12T22:55:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update. I applied for the UNIFEM job. I have about a 10% expectation that I will even be called. It's just a gut feeling.

I printed out some of the section I am supposed to edit. Meanwhile, some of the pages printed both sides and some not, the ink ran out somewhere in the middle so I canceled the job, and the wind blew them around. Oh, and they're not numbered.

I've been running every day, doing some cleaning, and stocking the fridge, so all is not lost. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am not getting along with mom right now and that might be a part of it. I need to pull myself together, get what I can done tonight, shine at work tomorrow, and get productive over the weekend.

Finding Motivation

2009-03-11T09:29:00.002-04:00

I am in a total slump that may have originated in my burn-out of two and a half months of constant research and writing. I have been prioritizing fun and acting like I have loads of time before my thesis chair gets back from her spring break trip and expects a revised Chapter 3 and a Chapter 4. Now, I have 3 nights and 2 whole days and nights. That is enough if I get the gears grinding now.

Part of it comes from the fact that I have different things to do and I need to prioritize them. Such as, I really want to make a good resume for the UNIFEM job but I am getting insecure about it (application submission closes March 12). After that, I have to make deep-thought corrections on Chapter 3, but I have been avoiding thinking deeply lately. Then, I have to write a whole new chapter to end the whole thesis. That is a lot to handle. It's hard work, not just busy-work.

I have to also realize that I have my freelance editing work to do PLUS preparing for the big SSCA conference. So while I feel like I have 8 long weeks for the thesis, those two tasks can cut into my schedule big-time.

Tonight, I will finish the application for the UNIFEM job and submit it, then use tonight and possibly tomorrow night to finish revisions to Chapter 3. Then I have Friday night through Sunday night without work interruption to complete a first draft of Chapter 4. It feels better to have a plan!

Get With It!

2009-03-09T11:31:00.003-04:00

I need to get with it! I have been steadily working on the thesis, but taking my sweet time about it. For me, there is nothing as motivating as a looming deadline, and 8 weeks is not "looming" enough, it seems. More like that glimmer on the asphalt that may or may not disappear as you approach it.

Yes, I have read my first three chapters through and took notes to guide my concluding chapter. And yes, I have started revisions to Chapter 3 like I expected. (I flip-flopped my aim for the next two weeks: first revise Chapter 3, then write Chapter 4.) On my schedule, I also didn't figure in the SSCA Conference which takes place April 2. I will need to prepare a presentation and practice it, as well as read up on the subject once more. I haven't read about ostensible speech acts in a long time... I am thinking since October. This conference, I will not whip up a presentation the night before (don't judge me; that was necessary)!!

I had two long talks with a committee member and with my chair. Firstly, with my committee member, we spoke of my future. Is it vain to love talking about my future? We talked about my editor-author project which was put on hold; this is okay, he said. Many times academics lay aside a project for other priorities. We talked about other and larger conferences, how to continue projects even after graduation, and taking a break to come back for the PhD in my 30s/40s (a decision which makes my heart sink a little). But, I feel like I have the background to come out of this in any direction I wish, which was my point for doing the thesis.

Then he asked what I got from the readings he suggested to me, and although I'd read them, I completely forgot what value they had for my thesis. Whomp, whomp! Embarrassing.

I talked to my thesis advisor, and we talked generalities too, but also about this collection of feminist essays and the introduction she invited me to do. "My" intro would be for the bibliography section. It does seem like a difficult, but short piece. They are at their page maximum and will be trimming word count, so they may not go forward with an intro for that section at all. They will know in May, when they would want me to begin, so at least I don't have to worry about that interfering with my thesis.

Most exciting: There is a job posting on UNIFEM for a "Professional English Writer" for UNIFEM Afghanistan. It is a one-year contract to be on-call with an expected workload of 60 days. No salary or expected compensation is posted. I would be creating newsletters, brochures, etc. all toward the empowerment of Afghan women and gender equity in Afghanistan. Something near and dear to me. I fulfill ALL of the requirements EXCEPT for "Experience working in Afghanistan." Somehow I don't think they will get many applicants that fulfill that along with the other criteria. I may have a shot. This is just weighing on my mind: Don't I need a break from all of this work I keep voluntarily heaping on myself? Is it fair to me and my loved ones? But am I not here to give back to this world?

Update to last post's side note: I have been running! I ran twice around our big lake with Baker Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and yesterday I went for a long brisk walk. Now to pair this new regimen with healthier food intake and I might return to my normal shape by summer.

Positive Resituation

2009-03-03T14:59:00.003-05:00

While I await word from my graduate program director (GDP), I need to stop languishing and return to the thesis. Over the weekend, I spent much-needed time with my husband and watched the three-hour finale of The Bachelor with mom Monday night. It was a sweet respite but still, even with my summer extension, I really don't have that much more time.

It was not all about moping. Three very heartening pieces of information (no--four!):

1. I spoke to a friend who is also on the fast track with her thesis, and she also had one of these talks with her chair, the day before me! She also needs the summer to finish her thesis, but she says she is still graduating in May. Her defense will take place in late April. She expects the summer to be mainly about revising it to fit defense commentary and collaborating with the style editor. I am adopting her plan (I just need to get a hold of this GDP)!

2. When I spoke to my chair when I was more composed, she suggested a late-April defense date, but that another option was to do that in the summer. She said she knew that I was "really hung up on graduating in May" but it wasn't the end of the world. The thing is--I looked on my uni's Web site and it very clearly says that August graduates can walk in May! YES! I really need to get a call back/meet with my GDP for specifics.

3. One of my most influential professors and a member of my thesis committee wrote back the loveliest e-mail saying that HE wishes HE had had one more semester with HIS thesis. He said that in his experience, more time would have allowed him to have a more publishable, presentable piece of writing, and he thinks this extra time will help me. It just felt great to know that someone that smart went through the same thing.

4. While my thesis chair was encouraging me to look at the bright side, she said now I might have time to join her on a publication! Apparently she is working on a collection of feminist essays. My understanding is that the book has one main introduction and 5 sections each with their own introductions. Other graduate students have been assigned to these smaller introductions, but one quit. Would I be willing to write it and gain publication credit on my CV? Wow! I have to think about that one. It might be way too much work and--like I told her--my only women's studies class was the Race, Gender and Politics class I took with her. Am I qualified to take this on at all?

In other related news, the beta fish I bought right before the thesis, Lucky, died. Is this symbolic of my dying hopes? Shouldn't I then buy a new fish to symbolize my new schedule and future success? I think I will.

I need to meet with my thesis chair and talk about our new schedule and come up with things to ask the GDP. I need to write another e-mail and leave him another voicemail. Side note: all my pants are getting tighter. It is time to stop wolfing down sugary snacks and start taking care of myself. I have enough time now to fit in exercise and I think it will help me mentally as well. My dog is also gaining weight so I can kill two birds if I can only motivate myself.

Well--why not come up with a tentative schedule here? A loose vision that can guide my conversation with my chair later? There are eight full weeks to my "defense date" assuming that can be Friday, May 1. Very loosely conceived plan:

Week 0.5 Re-read entire thesis and make an outline to guide writing of Chapter 4
Week 1 Write Chapter 4
Week 2 Revise Chapter 3
Week 3 Revise Chapter 4
Week 4 Revise Chapter 1
Week 5 Revise Chapter 2
Week 6 Revise Chapter 3
Week 7 Revise Chapter 4
Week 8 Study for Thesis Defense

Huge, Huge Disappointment

2009-02-28T15:39:00.002-05:00

I finished revising Chapter 3. It took until 1:00 am again last night. I rearranged everything, addressed all of my chair's feedback, and finally reached the end. Honestly, that draft is 100% better, but I don't think it is all of the way there. When I went to bed, I hit the surface like a rock. I had a dream in which I was at a restaurant on some sort of pier, and the weather was rainy and the waves were rising. I was with my other two committee members chatting, and they were wondering when they were getting more of my thesis. Around me, customers began to worry about the waves hitting the side of the restaurant. I opened the front door to check outside, and a huge wave crashed into me. I woke up.

Whenever I am feeling utterly hopeless about something, I have a crashing wave dream. My chair had asked me to call her at 11 today to talk about our schedule, but I thought nothing of it. I suppose subconsiously, that was my first warning.

She asked how my writing was going--a perfectly inane question designed to lead us in to the main discussion. I said writing was fine, I have about 8 pages of notes and an outline for Chapter 4, so I was positive. That I had reread an article for Chapter 3 and it opened my eyes to a new reading of my objective and she used that to break into her bad, bad news. Paraphrased: "Yes, that is great, and I think that is what writing a thesis is all about: writing your way to clarity. When Chapter 4 is finished, you will need to go back through the whole thesis and draw it together. Your ideas have developed as you have been writing, and Chapter 1 has to flow right through to Chapter 4" or something of the like. Then, she said that she didn't know if it was possible for me to have the whole thesis ready by the GDP deadline. I realized what was happening and I began to choke up. She kept talking, and I quietly freaked out on my end of the line. I realized she had stopped. "So...... Should we cancel the oral exam?"

She said it was up to me--that I could try to prove her wrong, but that at the rate I was revising (which is an admirable rate) she didn't see me having it done on time, etc etc. She was very sweet about it, and began to suggest a new timeline, new dates, a whole new game plan. I couldn't speak around the lump in my throat, and asked if I could think about it and call her later in the afternoon. She felt bad, I could tell, and said of course.

I hit the bed in devastation and let it all out. I cried out all the six-to-one blocks of hard reading, thinking, and revising; all the stressful meetings and library visits; all the sneaking around at my job secretly working on my thesis around my daily duties; all the neglect of my husband, my family, my pets, and my friends; the twelve pounds gained at my desk; the sore shoulders and lower back; all of it. It was all so, so hard, and I gave it 200 percent because I believed I could do it. But I hadn't.

I called Jon at work, and he said that he had my back and would support whatever I chose, and would do anything to make sure I succeeded. I called my mom at home and she calmed me down and helped me think rationally. Then, she came and got me and took me to lunch.

I stuck to my deadlines so fiercely and singlemindedly--even while I repeatedly had to extend my schedule--that my chair's suggestion shocked me. I hadn't even considered a Plan B. I just knew that I was doing well, and that I could keep doing well. And I AM doing well. There just isn't enough time to continue this way. I have reached the end of the time where I can push things back and regroup.

The oral exam/thesis defense is March 6th, this coming Friday. I would need to write Chapter 4, send it to my chair, wait for revisions, and likely repeat the revisions process. I would also have to make Chapter 3 revisons, as it underwent a massive reorganization and extensive rewrites. I would have to search out my old syllabi and get them to the right professors, and confer with them on the class content and proper questions. I would have to study for the oral exam, meaning I would have to find old notes for ten classes and read over them and think about how they relate to my thesis. And not only do I have to consider the ramifications for me, but for the whole committee. Can I really send the latter half of my thesis to them AND the syllabi with less than a week to the defense date, and expect them to be ready? To take me seriously?

The most professional and rational thing to do is to take the summer semester to finish. I am devastated to even say it, but you know what, I poured my heart and soul into trying to do in one semester what most students do in over a year. With a full-time job, an editing side-job, and a family. I can safely say that I have sacrificed all that I could and gave it my all. It will just take a little longer.

Is this about pride? Oh, certainly that is part of it. I challenged myself and did my best because some people were saying it was impossible, and I didn't believe it. I wanted to be a shining example of success, and show others how capable I am. That was part of my disappointment. But I think also that I already proved to those who matter that I can accomplish incredible amounts of quality work in a short time, and this I also proved to myself. I can still be proud of myself.

Oh, the disappointment of not making it this semester! But, Oh, how much better my work will be. I have learned so much, and now I can only learn more. I will be a better scholar for this.

Slow Progress

2009-02-25T13:50:00.002-05:00

I got about a third of the way through the revisions last night. I didn't get to conceptual revisions until late in the paper, and began flagging those and skipping them for later in favor of lower-level concerns about clarity and grammar, my mind being rather occupied. I am working on it a little at work, but I know that tonight I have to really apply my brain to these more difficult revisions. My HOPE is that before I hit the pillow, I will send the corrected version off to my chair and she will tell me to release it tomorrow.

After that, the next two nights belong to Chapter 4. It may take the weekend since I will need to send it off and get it back for revisions. I hope that timeline is not discourteous to the committee, who will then have only 4 days to read it, my Oral Exam/Thesis Defense being scheduled for March 6th (which is STILL waiting confirmation, but is the admitted target date).

Conference Update and Final Week!

2009-02-23T13:42:00.002-05:00

I stayed up late working on the notes for the presentation and got there early. I wore a plum cowl-necked sweater, grey slacks, and black shoes, and looped my fringed Afghan pashmina around my neck, knotting it loosely at the bottom. I love that pashmina--not only does it keep me warm and encourage me as I write my thesis, it is also dark plum and has several other complementary colors woven into it, so that it goes with most of my clothes. I saw the only other rhetoric person there, Sam, a PhD candidate from one of my classes, and I hung around him most of the day. I knew almost no one else because they were International Studies grad students.

The conference ended up being free, the registration waived, and three delicious meals were provided. It ran from 9 to 5. My panel (which consisted of Sam and myself, because a third person didn't show up) went on at 10:30. My parents came in, then Jon, then my thesis chair!

When I spoke, I wished to God I'd brought water up, but my paper cup sat taunting me from the panel table. I was nervous, and you could probably tell. There weren't too many people in the room, though--the word "rhetoric" in the abstracts were probably enough warning for the IS students! Afterward, Sam and I fielded questions mainly from the panel chair and my thesis chair, and we were just wrapping up when Jon raised his hand. I was so pleased! He directed a really great question at both Sam and me, which made me proud, since he is quite un-academic. Later, both the panel chair and thesis chair praised him and we all talked a bit.

I had lunch, where I listened to a speaker, and attended two more panels. I had stayed up so late, and awoke so early, that when I unwisely sat in the sun for the second panel, my belly full of delicious lunch, I had an awful time staying awake and stifling yawns. Finally though, it let out for dinner, and 3 prizes were awarded--none for me! Oh well.

I had great feedback from my thesis chair on my speaking and the way I answered questions. I really loved the Q&A much more than the presentation and was strangely much less nervous--even excited. I also got some praise for Chapter 3, which she was nearly done reviewing.

So this weekend, I read a lot and took great notes, but I only have 5 pages of loose material written for Chapter 4, the final chapter. I had to deal with a huge load of family drama, which thankfully has not caused a rift between me and my husband--but which caused a lot of discord in the rest of the family. It took a lot of time to deal with and I am not pleased about the details or the aftermath, but I have to shove it to the side and concentrate. Therefore, I am skipping The Bachelor and Hell's Kitchen this week, and am (dreading) spending each second on finishing the thesis.

I have revisions for Chapter 3, and although the rework is much less intense, it may still take 2 nights to do. I also have to write Chapter 4 and do a revision on that. My plan is to first write Chapter 4 so that I don't panic over time, then return to Chapter 3, and thence Chapter 4. My goal is is to have both of these chapters to the committee by Friday evening so that they have the weekend, and the rest of the week while I study for the Oral Defense (still unscheduled!!).

Tonight, I will go to ODU for a book I need, print out Chapter 3's feedback, and print out two necessary articles. Then I will come home, wear my stretchy clothes and pashmina, and force myself to write.

The Eleventh Hour

2009-02-19T09:32:00.002-05:00

Wow, am I really pushing the envelope here! I absolutely did not get Chapter 3 in to my chair before my meetings. In fact, I didn't get it in to her until exactly 1:00 am last night. It was absolutely crazy. I thought, Okay self, just finish Chapter 3 in a couple of hours and then start on your conference presentation. Then I thought, Well it's taking longer than I thought. Better make that eight 'clock. Nine. Ten.

Just ridiculous.

That was a hard chapter, though. It included so much, and turned out to be 36 pages, including 4 appendices and 5 largish graphics. I know the conclusion is crap because I wrote it during that last hour, and I was starting to feel giggly and careless. When I finally went to bed, it took me another hour to fall asleep. Augh--and then this morning, I had to spent 20 minutes with the SteamBot getting my dog's pee AND a poop stain out of the carpet, so I had to skip washing my hair. (I do love that SteamBot, though.)

I will get the thesis done and I will graduate in May. I will stop at nothing.

New Plan:

Thurs. 2/19 - Create presentation Ppt and practice it
Fri. 2/20 - GPIS Conference 8:00-5:00 / celebratory dinner? / Begin Chapter 4
Sat. 2/21-Sun. 2/22 - Nonstop Chapter 4
Mon. 2/23 - Chapter 4, The Bachelor
Tues. 2/24 - Turn in Chapter 4 to chair
Wed. 2/25 - Revisions to Chapter 3?
Thurs. 2/26 - Revisions to Chapter 4?
Fri. 2/27 - Any further revisions, and turn in chapters 3 and 4 to Committee

Who knows when my Oral Exam/Thesis Defense is, and why it has not been scheduled. But that whole next week I will be preparing for that as well as making other revisions. Revising will probably carry into the second week of March. BUT, it must be completely done and ready by Monday, March 16th for the GDP, and formatted for submission to the editor Friday, March 20th.

This Is IT

2009-02-16T11:13:00.002-05:00

My fears over the time-consuming nature of last week's activities were not unfounded. I don't have any more elbow room in my schedule. I received MORE revisions to Chapter 2 and turned that in the committee, finally, on Thursday, Feb. 12. I edited the last of the third section of editing and spent a good 2 hours in my meeting with the author, despite telling myself I wouldn't exceed 1 hour.

I worked nearly non-stop yesterday with my friend Helena, coding data and finally writing some more and doing some revising. I planned out a good outline for Chapter 3 and built onto it a little here and there. It really needs to be sewn together and ironed out. I'm also not altogether confident in my coding, but I don't see where I have time to go back over it. I don't even know how useful that is to my thesis. Was it worth ALL of that time?

I can write tonight, but tomorrow I have a meeting at 5 and at 6 with my committee members to get feedback from them. I absolutely have to have Chapter 3 to my chair before then. I have to start Chapter 4 to at least a second draft for my committee before the oral--as yet unscheduled (waiting to hear back).

The GPIS conference is this Friday, and I have to make a 12-minute presentation in enough time to go over it with my chair to make sure it is good. This is my first-ever conference, and I want to make a good impression. HOPEFULLY, I can do this Wednesday night?

I am getting very, very anxious about the thesis deadlines.

More Revisions

2009-02-10T10:51:00.002-05:00

I am so tired of revisions; this is the third time, even before the rest of the committee sees a chapter. I received revisions for Chapter 2 yesterday, so now I have to create a Draft 4 and hopefully it will be good enough at that point. I am really worried about how late my committee as a whole is getting my work. If Chapter 2 takes this long, how the hell are they going to get chapters 3 and 4 before the oral defense in 3 weeks? As well as helping me craft exam questions?

The urban fiction author is changing around our meeting date again. Although admittedly I postponed 2 weeks, it is frustrating to have to change the day, especially as pressure for the thesis builds. I still need to finish that section of his work.

Last night I didn't get anything done. I went to mom's early for The Bachelor and brought my laptop, but my Word program decided to screw up, and Obama's speech pushed the show back an hour, resulting in much wasted time. Now tonight is my brother's birthday, tomorrow night is the Grad Fair to buy the gown and other materials, I have that editing meeting on whatever day, PLUS Valentine's Day. I haven't bought a damn thing. I have no idea what to get, and Jon wants to go out to breakfast AND dinner AND a movie... how can I say No? I have neglected him so badly.

My friend Helena is coming over Sunday. We are both working on our master's theses, so hopefully this will motivate me to work instead of distracting myself with chores and TV. I really want to have Chapter 3 to my chair before Monday. I don't know if that is possible. But it HAS to be.

Thirteen Weeks (Ninety-one Days)

2009-02-08T10:03:00.002-05:00

There are thirteen weeks even, or ninety-one days, until graduation.

There are three weeks even, or twenty-one days, until the thesis must be completed so I can study for my oral exam.

There are thirteen days until the GPIS conference, and two months until the SSCA conference.

I submitted Chapter 2 to my thesis chair Thursday night, so I am hoping that tomorrow it will go to my committee. Although I don't think they are feeling much urgency: neither of the two regular members have submitted feedback, even when I sent an e-mail out Monday asking for it by Friday (because that chapter is also my conference paper and was due)! But that's okay--maybe it just means that I didn't screw it up terribly.

I spent a lot of down-time yesterday, mainly because I was feeling lazy. That is awful. Practically a whole day without working. I did read a whole article on Web site content analysis, which I have started this morning and will be working on today. I also read and revised the pages I have so far, which number to 9. Not too bad. But the best part of yesterday was taking my dog Baker to the beach with my husband for the first time, and taking a walk in the unseasonably warm sunshine by the waves. Ahhhh... Jon and I also ate a GREAT dinner at Red Lobster. Now, how much can I really regret yesterday??

Today, I have a good idea of how to start the content analysis, but I need to drive out to my uni to print off several pages of the site and to also print out a chapter by Lerner that I need. It's another beautiful day--so hard to stay in while spring is turning right outside my window. I can't wait for summer. I can't wait for life post-graduation.

I asked Jon, What is the first thing you want to do when I am completely done, after graduation? What activity? He answered: Go to bed at the same time. That was so sweet--not bowling, not a picnic, not yard renovations--he just wants us to get in our jammies, pop in a movie, and fall asleep together at the same time. That does sound heavenly.

So Tired Of It

2009-02-03T15:04:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I am forgoing that transnational media class of my committee member's, because I need to finish the revision of Chapter 2 and get that out, as well as refashion Chapter 1 for the conference. I don't want to leave that till the last minute.

I am SO TIRED. I think about my thesis, and my body and mind react by going limp. Maybe I'm crashing from all the sugar I'm eating to combat thesis fatigue. By the way, my weight jumped 11 pounds. Augh. I really feel it, too.

Writing in this way is definitely not encouraging and I shouldn't be doing this--it is not cathartic, rather it is making things worse. So, good news is in order:

I did find a paper of reasonable length and readability on analyzing Web site content.
I have begun revisions for Chapter 2, I just need to maintain momentum.
My cousins Jeff and Heather might come down for my graduation!

Okay. I just need to tie up my loose ends tonight, and hit the bricks tomorrow, writing through Chapter 3 quickly. I CAN get this done this month, and I WILL!

Thesis Fatigue

2009-02-02T10:06:00.005-05:00

I think I am officially getting thesis fatigue. I grasp at any excuse not to work on it, extremely poor planning when I am so close to my next deadline. Very poor. I have been hanging curtains, grocery shopping, doing laundry, watching a whole movie, playing video games just a little, and going to a Superbowl party. Not egregious procrastination, but more outside diversion than I usually allow myself these days.

I have about 8 willy-nilly pages of Chapter 3, that is all. I got feedback returned for the second draft of Chapter 2, so as soon as I can get that done, I can send it to my committee. That is next on my agenda, so again Chapter 3 will be laid to the side. But, at least my committee will have a little more to chew on.

What I need to do next is to ask them to hurry up with their comments for Chapter 1, since I will need to refashion that into a paper to turn in to the 7th Graduate Research Conference director by this Friday, February 6th. I also need to finish editing the last pages of my freelancing project so I can get started on electronic corrections.

Most importantly, I can't get very far on Chapter 3 without finding a proper methodology for Web site analysis, so I will likely have to go to the library at some point. I should spent some time today at work surfing the online catalog--maybe there is something I can just download and print out here on the sly.

Feb. 2 find Web site methodology; revise Chapter 2, turn in to committee; The Bachelor
Feb. 3 write Chapter 3
Feb. 4 write Chapter 3
Feb. 5 refashion Chapter 1 for conference; Hell's Kitchen
Feb. 6 turn paper in to conference; write Chapter 3

This weekend, I will try to turn Chapter 3 in early to my chair, so that she can get revisions to me, and I can make them and turn it in to the committee... except that it will probably take 2 or 3 drafts, so I will be late, again. How depressing.

I am also not quite sure how I am going to get this editing done, or how I am going to find time to make a presentation for the conference, OR how I will have the time to collaborate on my oral exam questions with my committee and then study for it.

Chapter 2 Submitted: Beginning Chapter 3

2009-01-31T11:31:00.002-05:00

I submitted Chapter 2 two days later than planned, on January 29. It was just so difficult to untangle all of the good sentences and ideas intertwined with bad topic sentences and three different theses often jumbled together in one paragraph. Really a mess but with so many good gems I couldn't cut and rewrite, which might have gone faster but sacrifices some good insights.

Last night Jon and I took Baker to a doggy wash, hung curtains, and went out to eat, so I used the remainder of the night to do my freelance editing. Today, I have started working on Chapter 3. My goal is to get, hmm, 6 pages done before I have to take a grocery shopping and dinner break. Then maybe I can get 9 done by the end of today. I am nervously thinking that if I want to get Chapter 3 to the committee by February 9, I should probably have it to my chair by Thursday, so that she can read and return feedback ASAP. Then I don't have much time to make those revisions. Then how can I possibly expect to get Chapter 4 to the committee on time? I need to show them enough respect to get them drafts in a timely fashion, too.

Stressing.

Classtime

2009-01-28T10:32:00.004-05:00

I worked on revisions for Chapter 2 yesterday, but I didn't get to turn it in. Instead, I decided to go to a 7-o'clock class recommended to me by a member of my committee. He is a great teacher--not handy with the aesthetics of PowerPoint, but when he uses one, he doesn't make that the anchor of his delivery. He needs only to glance at it to take in the information and turn back to the class for lecture. He walks back and forth, sits, perches on the edge of his desk. Very natural. I wish I could be like that! I suppose it comes with practice. The class was about transnational media and how it forms national identity, which is very relevant to my thesis, but focused a lot on TV rather than Internet, my medium. However, class conversation sparked a lot of good ideas in my mind which I scribbled down. After class, my professor gave me a book, and I recognized the name. I had downloaded a chapter of it that very day! Funny.

The class was very interesting and the time was not wasted, although now, I am a day late with Chapter 2. Not only that, but it can't go to the whole committee when it is through--it has to wait for my chair's thoughts and revisions.

Finishing Chapter 2 is a major priority. I want Chapter 3 to the committee by February 9th, and in order to do that, it has to go between me and the chair a few times for revision. It is also the longest and most important chapter. Before writing, I also need to research the best methodology to analyze Web site image content. I am not sure how to go about this.

Tonight, I will finish Chapter 2 and send it to my chair. Then, I will browse the library on the Internet to find some methodology ideas. If I have time, I will begin to write Chapter 3. I figure that I will free-write an Introduction in red and go back to it after the chapter is complete. That way, I establish a focus right away, but I don't write myself into a box that I can't think outside of. I will probably wait for the weekend to get the methodology book, but I have plenty to write about the Internet in general before then.

Moderate Gains

2009-01-26T10:30:00.002-05:00

My meeting with the GDP went very well! He is such a nice man, and didn't make any negative comments or even quirk an eyebrow over my timeline. I also learned that 3 other master's students are doing their theses this semester. That doesn't make the thesis option as sound as rare an occurrence as some have made it out to be. During the meeting, I also discovered that the oral exam can be pushed out a week later, and I have a week longer to make revisions after the oral, something that relieves a lot of pressure. The longest window is reserved for the college style editor, who gets an amazing month-and-a-half to edit, something I am told involves a lot of passing the thesis between us. After that, I can turn the thesis in to the registrar as late as the day before graduation!

After learning that, I looked into the commencement information on my uni's website, and am now so excited to take part in it. During undergraduate school, I remember that I never made graduation a big deal. I woke up mildly hungover, didn't do my hair nicely, I don't think I was particularly welcoming to my family, and I just wasn't that excited. This time, I want to get my hair nicely curled, look beautiful, be so proud of myself and my family, and take pictures all over campus with my family and everyone I know in front of every symbolic fixture of the school. Maybe because I have matured so much, and put so much of myself into my scholarship for my MA, that really inspires this difference.

I did get the author's blessing for an extra two weeks, but he didn't consent to push back the second date, so after my next due date I have a two-week window to edit the next section--during February, the hardest month for thesis activity! I didn't want to argue, so I will try to bring up another schedule bump when we meet next in person.

I worked on my thesis a lot this weekend, but mainly to research more necessary sources and analyze the speeches more closely. I also constructed an outline of my topic points so that I can reorganize my chapter, bolding important points and putting tips throughout in red brackets. I will have to do my rewrites tonight, before The Bachelor! If it doesn't get completely finished, I will work on it at work tomorrow. Tomorrow is the date I gave out in my revised timeline, below:

Thesis Chapter 2 to Committee January 27th
Thesis Chapter 3 Committee February 9th
Thesis Chapter 4 to Committee February 16th
Oral Exam March 6th
Spring Break March 9—15th
Corrections to GPD March 16th
Thesis with College Style Editor By March 20th
Thesis Submitted to Registrar By May 8th
Graduation May 2009

Chapter 1 Submitted

2009-01-22T15:45:00.002-05:00

One day late, Chapter 1 is submitted to my committee! What about Chapter 2, you ask? I got atrocious revisions late Tuesday night. The revisions themselves aren't atrocious, but rather the enormity of work before me is. However, I had a long call with my director and feel like I have enough of a handle on it to get started tonight without freaking out. I set a personal deadline of Monday, January 26th to revise it and get it back to my director.

My meeting with the GDP was canceled Tuesday night because my uni closed for "winter weather." Apparently, a huge snowstorm by Virginia Beach standards was supposed to hit early morning. When I awoke, school closings were streaming by on the screen, but a peek out the window showed a normal, clear grey sky. It remained that way all day, the temperature hovering in the low 30s. Despite everyone's anticipation for it to at least begin that night, nothing happened. All those closings, and not a flake fell.

Therefore, I am meeting with him tonight. I expect to ask him about deadlines and fish for a little encouragement. With any luck, he won't laugh me out of town and tell me to cancel any plans for a grad party in May. I have never met him, so I have no idea what he will be like, and I won't get my hopes up. I know what happened last time I went to introduce myself to someone and talk about my thesis schedule. Only this guy, I cannot cut out of the process.

On a more personal note, my cousin Jaime, who was a bridesmaid in my wedding (nearly) two years ago, now has her own wedding plans, which include ME in her wedding party! I am so honored. She is one year older than me, and was always my favorite playmate when Dad took us on trips to New York to visit his mother. Now, she just had a five-year anniversary with the father of her son, and he proposed to her at their celebration dinner! I can't wait to help her plan.

Oh my goodness, my freelance editing is due next Friday. I'd better cut this short and ask for my week's extension.

Welcome, President Barack Obama

2009-01-20T15:28:00.005-05:00

And thank you for keeping our hopeful nation grounded. When it is easy to publicize the inauguration as a very real and positive interracial victory, it equally important to remember that Obama is not just the Black President, but the Right President. And like interracial harmony, the progress comes from The People. We all need to realize that embracing one another is the first step to serving one another. Let this presidency mark a step towards reality and away from ideology; a step towards liberty and a step away from fundamentalism; a step towards equal rights and a step away from bigotry; a step towards sharing and a step away from greed.

Congratulations, and welcome.

Almost Halfway There!

2009-01-19T10:00:00.004-05:00

This weekend, I applied myself and revised Chapter 1 for the third time. My chair responded with a big WOW and seven exclamation marks, which tickled me pink! She said about another hour of revision and it would be ready for the committee. I also wrote her that since our meeting, I thought I should revise what I'd written for Chapter 2. She wrote that she would wait for the new text before commenting. My refocusing had such a big impact that I needed to go through it again and tie it all together. Since I did that, I added 3 pages of new text and revised a ton. I'm glad I did that before she read the first draft! What a difference!

I now need to tweak Chapter 1 for the final time, wait for feedback on Chapter 2, and revise that for this Wednesday. I feel sheepish that I am giving my chair such a short turnaround, but holding onto it meant that she would have less commentary on my better draft. After that, who knows how extensive the feedback from my other two committee members will be.

I sent a nice hardcopy letter to my old third, and wrote an e-mail to my new third, and am itching for a reply. I want to know for sure that he will be true to his word and dedicate himself to the needs of my project. What if he says no? I will have to see him in person and twist his arm. It would be quite embarrassing to insist on a person for my committee, and that person leave me hanging.

Weighing on me is about 21,000 words of urban fiction that I need to edit. This freelancing gig has sucked up so much of my time. It is ridiculous. I am thinking that I will ask the author if he will bump back the whole schedule one week because of my workload. He is pretty nice, and I would expect that he would do that for me. I should ask him today.

So far, I have 32 pages of thesis. I think I am on track, because if Chapter 3 can be 30, and Chapter 4 can reach 20, I will have met the minimum. I am confident that with the images I am inserting into Chapter 3 for analysis, that will take up a lot of room and get me there pretty easily. I am not sure if I can stretch Chapter 4 to 20 pages, but my chair said last week not to worry about the minimum, because she would take care of it, whatever that means. I guess she can persuade the department to be less exacting.

I hope I get revisions soon. Tuesday evening I will have even less time to work because I am meeting the GDP at 5:00 and I am also hoping to talk to my new third.

Reassessment

2009-01-16T11:37:00.003-05:00

I took the time I was told to take. One whole night off, and slow stressless going on some revisions last night. But tonight, and this weekend, I have to go hardcore on revising Chapters 1 and 2, which are due to the whole committee this coming Wednesday, January 21. I should be able to revise Chapter 1 again, to get a good Draft 3, but I have not yet had received revisions for Chapter 2, and I expect they will be extensive. I will probably need the whole weekend for those, because then she will have to read it again. I hope I have a good Draft 2 by the time the whole committee sees them. If I don't receive feedback by tomorrow, I will e-mail my chair and start on them anyway.

After that, I will have 3 and a half weeks in which to write and revise my final two chapters. I think I am also going to chase down and a read a few more sources in that time, and figure out a methodology for analyzing the photos on a Web site. I really have no idea, and there are SO many in so many different places that it makes sense to have a methodology to explain my assertions about them.

I also have to gently excuse my current third person and invite a new third person, which will take diplomacy and a good block of time musing over the wording. I might even have to redraft my thesis proposal for the new third. I am sure my first Chapter would suffice, even though it is a bit long to ask someone to read as a proposal.

This coming Tuesday, I have a meeting with the new graduate program director (GDP), whom I have never met before, to get his signature on my thesis committee choices and for a chat. I will have to probably face further skepticism about the timeline I have set for myself.

Post-Meeting

2009-01-14T10:32:00.002-05:00

I met with my thesis director last night, deciding not to write more until I had. Anything I would have written would reflect my state of mind: scattered, unconnected, unfocused.

On Monday, I finally finished Chapter 2 at 18 pages and sent it in. I had been sitting in my desk chair all weekend wringing my brain, and it took its toll when I went to lay on the couch. After about an hour's fitful nap, I woke up and went to my mom's early for our weekly viewing of The Bachelor to chat. We covered family issues, her job stresses, my job stresses, and my thesis woes. Watching The Bachelor and munching on snacks at my mom's is the best therapy, and I think we helped each other out.

Yesterday, I screwed up at work, and had to drive in pouring rain after work to retrieve my forgotten cell phone at my mom's. I went home for a bit before setting out in the rain to my uni for my 7 o'clock meeting. The rain slowed everyone down. It was the kind that sticks to your windshield and intensifies lights, making the lines on the asphalt hard to see. My exit was blocked with cones, so I took the next exit, thinking I could find a familiar street and head in the right direction. I think I ended up in another city, and had to go almost entirely back up my route and start over off the highway. When I got to my uni, I couldn't find parking and parked illegally.

My thesis director is so lovely. She sliced me an apple and passed me Kleenex when my eyes teared up. I have just been so stressed, especially with the worry that I would not graduate this semester. With three nights until my original deadline, it was scary to think that I'd blown it. First, we discussed Chapter 1. Large parts need to be moved into later chapters and clarified. At least they are not completely lost. Then, I discussed my objectives for chapters 2, 3, and 4, and we drastically revised my outline. I feel a lot better, a lot more in control.

We went over the deadlines, and revised the schedule. I feel like hot pokers were removed from my eyes. I have more time that I didn't think was there. I hope this turns out okay, and that I haven't lost all of my revision time between the first draft and revising for the GPD (graduate program director). However, I can only do my best, and this is the way that I will do my best. Less stressful to write a good first draft and make less revisions than to write a hurried first draft and have to make drastic revisions.

Finally, we printed out the form that establishes the people who will serve on my committee. I haven't gone in-depth about this, but there was a difference in opinion and I finally won out. We wrote the names of the people I had originally chosen and whom I believe will best benefit my topic. I was actually asked to notify the professor who has already agreed to be a part of the committee, that she won't be asked to stay. Stressful, but less stressful than keeping her.

New deadlines:

Thesis Draft 1 to Committee: Jan. 21st, Chapters 1 and 2
Thesis Draft 2 to Committee: Feb. 16th, Chapters 3 and 4
Oral Exam: Week of Feb. 23-27th
Corrections to GPD: Mar. 2-6th (confirm)
Thesis with College Style Reader: TBA
Thesis Submitted to Registrar: TBA
Graduation: May 2009

I think Jon and I are going to go see a movie tonight. After that, I think I will work on editing my freelance urban fiction book. Work is very stressful and I really need to stop "thinking thesis" at work.

Speed of a Slug

2009-01-11T16:06:00.004-05:00

You won't believe this, because I don't, either. I am on page 14 of Chapter 2, and my goal over 24 hours ago was to get to page 15 that very evening. I am simply astounded that although my butt is glued to this chair, and I am constantly working with only very small breaks, my progress is this slow. To top that off, what I do write, I don't feel so good about. I am just trying to squeeze blood out of a rock, to get words on the paper even if my thoughts seem random and disconnected. I need to have something for my thesis director tomorrow.

I am also wondering now, how many pages my remaining chapters should be. The thesis needs to be a minimum 80 pages, and Chapter 1 was 15. Actually, since I have 65 remaining pages, if I divide that by 4 remaining chapters, I get 16.25. I guess I can afford to be under 20 pages for the remaining chapters, and that is good since I believe I will be going over that for Chapter 3. So I don't have to overstuff Chapter 2 with fluff.

Right now, I am so wired. I am bobbing my leg, grinding my teeth, and teetering on the edge of panic. I know I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep because I have an ache in my molars. I am so afraid that I will not make my deadlines. I have to constantly assure myself that I can ask for the weekend, thereby buying myself 2 full days, and it will more than likely not throw the schedule off. Then again, I don't think Monday through Friday is enough time for her to read it AND for me to make corrections in time to give it to the committee next Friday.

I have to try not to lean on postponement of my deadlines as an option. I have to write.